7 Nov 2018

 As of “right this moment”, “everything appears ok”.

Yet...

I create terrible futures that are crowding in on me. (One might claim they are my mind attempting to motivate me...?)

In the darkest, I have no control over this world; and we march steadfastly into authoritarian regimes raping the planet of every last resource, just to add a penny more to the bulging pockets of the wealthy few. Or we neglect our collective duties as custodians of this Earth and cook all life off of the planet, in just one generation.

Or... our collective insanity keeps growing by leaps and bounds, as we fear do not have “enough for our comfort”. The mass shootings keep escalating, the hatred and intolerance of “the others” (or quotation marks) keeps growing and getting expressed in harsher laws and more sinister bullies and harassers. We would push each other off of the cliffs, like lemmings.. ..just to secure our temporary peace of mind?

Fear is not a rational process. A threat reduces us to animal responses - the fight or flight, so often touted.

When faced with death, our mind grieves for itself, going through those stages of denial and anger and all the other ways it tries to cope with finite mortality. Our mind struggles to understand what it sees.

When I think of the world, at large, I get overwhelmed, and our approaching end seems so complete. So, I would deny it, and avert my eyes from the world problems, and try to come back to my 5 feet of space, around me.

And yet...

My skin keeps breaking out in bites and boils. My bank account keeps dwindling down to days of pennies. All of the bedevilments talked of in AA are snapping upon my heels. I see no prospect for a love leading to a family, no companions to care for me as my body begins to fall apart.

I stare at the bathroom mirror, in the morning, dumbstruck that I have to face another day of this slow time-bomb of death and decay...

I trudge through the workdays, serving hot dogs to the homeless in the past, or explaining equations as best I can, in the present.

The futility of it all. The desperation of drowning in our pool of half-consciousness... “nothing really matters”, for we have trapped ourselves -

When joy has left life, and there seems no joy in or beyond death... then the weight of each waking moment becomes truly terrifying.

Walking across an overpass, the desire to plummet over the rail...

The bewilderment, that I entertain these thoughts...!

The nihilistic frustrations that this life has no meaning... the horrible attempts to communicate how the fears can choke the joys out of the present moment.

Because I do not want to forfeit this fleeting joy to some foul circumstances that make my mind and body suffer so.

I do not want to be some casualty of our collective insanities...