8 Nov 2020

 I try not to talk about others, when they are not directly involved in the conversation. I try, but I don't always succeed in staying quiet.

I consider Facebook posts to usually have too broad of an audience in order to have an honest conversation with particular individuals - especially if we are not connected as friends, to begin with. Even with my Facebook friends, I do not lay good odds that a particular friend will see a particular post in a timely enough fashion to easily place it in context of any real life events that are not mentioned in the post. Over the years, I've lost significant faith in this medium as a good medium for deep and real conversations. As my therapist and I concluded, a few months ago: "Facebook is a scrapbook". It's a public online journal, at best; or a channel for advertising, at other times.

During this pandemic, I've become a little more comfortable about calling people directly; although I sorely miss interacting with them, in person, through our mutual interest groups. You might catch me hemming and hawing, because - if you ask anyone who has talked with me on the phone - I tend towards half hour to one hour conversations with each friend I talk with. So, I start to gain some anxiety, if I begin to feel that I need to talk with more than 2 or 3 friends, in a given night... because that easily uses up my night. I'm not great at multitasking, while on the phone.

What about IM's, or texts, or even emails? Not so long to write.. but I can still write large amounts of information. I do get tired of the text interface, and should explore voice-to-text or more autocompletes. Yet... even here, there's a fear: that a conversation gets started, and then a reply is never made (either by me or by them)

I used to think I was very much an introvert, yet I'm realizing how much I depend on others as "carriers of new information", if nothing else. I need others' perspectives to balance my own. I need to feel like i'm part of a family, or a community, or a tribe, or...

Over the last couple of days...weeks...months...years...,

I've noticed some behaviors of others that feel like gut punches:

- disappearing from my life (unfriending here, as one example)

- domination? expecting me to follow their directives, without question...

- antagonizing/aggression... which is kind of another style of domination....

I'm trying to think about recent actions that set me off, yesterday and today - yet again, I don't want to name names or get into specifics in a Facebook post (because that feels disrespecting the people involved). Yet, I want to write something, just to help clear it from my brain ("start discussing the resentments with another")... and I really need to dig down, to see where my part(s) are.

Like.... what are healthy versus unhealthy interactions with 'recovery sisters'? How do I compensate for not having my own car? How much should I interpret out of the non-verbal actions of others? How do I overcome my fears to be more clear and honest about my past and present actions? How can I juggle my schedule to meet all of others' professional expectations, while still having a wide range of interests and activities?

It's past midnight, now. I do not feel at peace with everyone in my life, and that has probably put me on edge, emotionally and heading towards some ugly depression. I WANT to feel at peace; and I certainly don't want a lot of unspoken resentments, lingering in the air of both sides of my friendships. I REALLY DO NOT WANT TO BECOME ANGRY...

I guess I need to start attempting some calls and conversations, tomorrow/today.