What to write about?
Drawing a blank...
Paralysis resulting from inaction? Changing Karma?
Honestly, I don't know what is percolating in my brain. I had the two ideas above, and a couple more on the walk home. I also took a brief foray back through my previous notes to try to see how I can avoid repeating myself. I toy with the idea of improvising a poem...
What I know is that, right now, my bottom front teeth have this stinging pain at my gum line, and there's also a tender on the left backside of my front teeth. It got me concerned that I'm, by no means, taking adequate care of my teeth - no regular dental appointments, no flossing... only brushing. So, I went to HEB today and bought a package of those "floss harps" - you know, the piece of floss stretched between a plastic U-shape? I'm thinking I'll try to use those for a week, and, if there's no subsidence of the pain, I might have to schedule an emergency dental check-up. It sucks, some times, relying on community programs for health care.
There's a little fear in my mind, based on the above and also on "pimples gone wild" and also on my maternal family history, that I might be seeing first signs of cancer. I usually dismiss those thoughts, but they don't like to go away very easily. 10 years ago, my dad pointed out a bump on the crown of my head. I've asked doctors about it, several times since, and they've described it as a sebacious cyst, which insurance won't do anything about until it actually causes pain. So far, there hasn't been any pain, although I do wonder, at times, if it influences my choice to sleep on my side instead of my back.
Kind of tangential, but still related - I may not have any tattoos yet, but I do have a collection of scars. Two of those are on the back of my head, remnants of bed sores from October '98. How did I get those? Well, you may have to dig a little in my previous notes to find mention of that event. :P
I also have a scar recently acquired (like last year), on my left hand, near the base of my index finger. It's from when I was cleaning the slurpee drains at work, where the drain grill landed on the back of my head, edge on, and gave me a nasty cut.Working at a 7-Eleven has been wearing on me this year. I wish I had a more normal schedule, so I could participate in more events of the normal world. I wish I had some help, at least at the start of my shifts, so that I don't have to run around like the Mad Hatter, trying to get things done. I wish I had company insurance. I wish I had more take-home income. So, I guess that's 4 dimensions of resentments tied to work right now.Even though I'm holding these complaints, I haven't reached the point where I'm taking the action to change my career. Part of me thinks this goes back to that earlier note of being locally happy. I.e., I might be a bit stressed about getting everything done at the start of the shift, but, by the end of the shift, everything IS done and I have some contentment about that sense of completion. I also like interacting with some of the regular customers, as the conversation tends to go beyond, "Do you need a bag for that?"
I bet you there's a bit of fear at play here, too. Or just plain procrastination. I don't want to go looking for another job, because that requires time and effort, and may just end in rejection letters. Part of me doesn't like the prospect of putting a lot of work into finding work, because it's just not very comforting - it seems like so much busy work. Of course, once I write a resume, I could always email it back to myself, to make it relatively easy to access in the future... Similarly, once I've filled out a work history for a company, I can then apply for future postings with that same history. I guess a first step in the career search, then, would be to revisit those past applications, tweak them a little with updates, and apply for the new postings. Just scheduling the time to do that seems difficult...
When I do it, I can be pretty effective at time management, or, for those who know what I'm referencing, "planning the 24 hours ahead". Of course, that scheduling currently involves planning around my work schedule, and my involvement with the recovery community, and travel times, and getting a meal in, and sleeping... There's not much time left, after all that. If you ask me, time is a much more valuable resource then money. Part of me thinks that I should be careful what I choose to invest my free time in. I need to keep in mind my long-term goals, while balancing that with my short-term goals. Unfortunately, I'm quite prone to seeking quick entertainment. So, I've found myself slipping into a trap of devoting hours of my time, each day, to playing games on the computer or the phone. I do this because I want to stay competitive in the games, and I want that because of the underlying sense of accomplishment that comes from reaching a game goal. If I were a play tester for a game company, this could be turned to my advantage - perhaps earning some money while having fun. However, that's not the present situation, so I would be wise to limit or eliminate my game playing and refocus on finding better employment.
OK.. last thought for this note. I think I'd enjoy writing for a living, if I can write on something that intrigues me. I've wondered what I would have to do to get my foot in the door at a newspaper or magazine as a food or entertainment critic. I've also wondered about a profession in teaching or tutoring, although I think those fields are more speech or presentation oriented. So, once I get going on a job search, I think that I should focus my efforts towards those fields, instead of applying willy-nilly across the board...
There you have it, a rather long reply to "How are you doing?"
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