There's a part of me that's itching to start writing notes again, balanced by another
part that just thinks they'll disappear into the internet, "gathering dust", never looked
at by anyone...
I'm writing this note, though, more to collect my thoughts, to tap into the power unlocked
by journaling/blogging that I've experienced in the past. Granted, it's somewhat stream
of consciousness, with a dash of on-the-fly editing... so you may be witness to the
random sparks and slips my bipolar brain is prone to, pulling disparate ideas together
and attempting to make a coherent theory out of the mess.
I've wanted to bounce recovery-related shares into these notes, but I've balked, thinking,
"Oh, that would be breaking anonymity, as not all of my facebook friends, or friends of
friends are in recovery." Sometimes, though, especially when I don't get to share on this
or that topic, I find myself assaulted by all the things I wanted to say as I walk back to
my house. This may come back as a subset of any future notes... Maybe walking the line
between anonymity and TMI would be share the general thoughts and theories I entertain,
while leaving the personal, i.e. incriminating, details reserved for conversations with
close friends.
I also wonder if a note could do justice, beyond the 450 character status updates, to those
topics I find interesting, which seem to dominate my solitary thoughts. Or maybe they
could give a better picture of where, exactly, I'm at, on a topic. Granted, I find it
hard at times to post even status updates, as I sometimes feel woefully ignorant of things
that other people are following. Actually, more often than not, I'm paralyzed by self-pity,
as I'm not really living up to my potential, and I'm not too thrilled with the idea of
sharing negative thoughts in a status update, of "venting my frustrations", as it were...
As an example: I go round and round about relationships, and how rarely I seem to be in them,
and I wonder how to broach the topic with the ladies I find attractive, and I also err
on the side of caution, thinking the context where we meet is not a neutral ground. Lately,
I've noticed a definite lack of close female friends in my life, and I think that's
spinning me out of balance. Then there's the wonder as to why I suppress my comments about
what I find attractive about this or that lady, and if that's causing me harm, even though
I think I'm trying to "operate within the modern rules of romance" - you know, like "treating
them as equals and human beings first, and minimizing the sexual innuendo, thinking 'it's not
appreciated'"...
Yeah, that's a can of worms that just burrows through my brain. I just think that I never
got the right script on how to get and keep a girlfriend.
You know, in some circles, we refer to that whining (about a person, place, thing, or ideal)
as a resentment. This year, I've had another one revolving around my working conditions.
Both frustrations ("Romances and Finances") aren't being directly addressed, leading to lots
of distractions from my present moments... I am thankful, though, that they haven't become
incessant 24/7 types of thoughts.
You know, it's probably just a nice example of a mid-life crisis. I have these expectations
planted in my brain of where I should be, and I'm just frustrated that I'm so far away from
being there. When I can get away from those expectations and just appreciate where I'm at,
I'm actually fairly content. My basic needs are getting met, and I have some exposure to
time/money-spending alternatives that can be quite enjoyable.
Sooo... there's a part of me that just wants to start cranking out some notes here. I like
to think that I have some audience that I can sound my ideas off of. I'm not entirely sure
what all ideas I'll write about, as I don't want to be overly vague, but I also don't want
to get too specific and personal at the same time. Granted, there's not much I'm ashamed
of, that I'd like to keep secret... but I do have a tendency to try to play to the crowd,
trying to preserve some of my "face", as it were - i.e. I don't want to say something
offensive or controversial, out of fear of losing an acquaintance over a trifle.
...and what I write should be of some interest to the audience. I doubt talking about
differential equations in math would get much feedback, and feedback is a driving force for
writing a note instead of writing a journal. I really when I say something, and all I get
is silence in response.
On the other hand, what I write should draw on personal experience and education. Just
going willy-nilly and talking about something I have no interest in, or no facts to support -
yeeeah.. that's just silly. No need to express an opinion on topics I can't defend. So,
you probably won't see me writing about sports or celebrities.
Now, the challenge is just to **regularly** write. I'm tired of leaving the thoughts bouncing
around my head. I welcome any and all comments on any and all notes I write, now, in the
future, or in the past. Some times, we may disagree... but I've always been a firm believer
in "multiple viewpoints" or the catch-phrase "agreeing to disagree"...
I think I've cleared the charge on my brain tonight, though.. :)
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