16 May 2019

 The emptiness in my life sucks the will to go on out of my soul. Feeling like my accomplishments amount to jack squat, that no one cares one bit to break bread and share stories with me....

worried that I will cry myself to sleep, from the pain and frustration, and the cries will dissipate into the vacuum around me...

concerned that some "accident", by my own hand or by random chance will cripple me, and I will die, starving to death, unable to reach help. the forlorn hope is that a long and drawn-out starvation will be avoided by a quick and sudden fatality in the accident - perhaps why I do not concern myself retirement, hoping that I won't have to live that long.

I think that I, as well as many others, would like to live our last days, surrounded by friends and family; and not shivering in the cold, like some Ebeneezer Scrooge, before the ghosts' visits. I think most would rather die in their sleep... basically drifting out of their consciousness of this world into whatever unknown awaits...? i do not know if that is fact; and I ponder those who sleep, yet are wide awake...

I want to wake up; and yet I want to dissipate from this world. A struggle within my soul, between he who feels utter defeat and the eternal optimist, believing that this is but a passing phase of life.

Teetering on the cliff, trying to regain my footing, from living a fool's life; while the winds of the world are whipping my cloak of anonymity thrashly about me. Each time my heart tries to regain strength, my pressures try to destroy it.

I want to scream "Bloody Murder!" at all the nebulous expectations piling up upon my back; yet I suspect would shrug off such an Atlas analogy, claiming that "everyone else does it - why don't you?"

Again, I doubt if any of this presents as more than a raving madman. I'm tired, I'm lonely, my back aches like crazy, and I feel like failure in so many arenas. (a glimour wants to change, and yet, it feels like i'm fated to be mired in the same old same...)

I think of many great times and grand conversations with all of these past friends; and yet, now, I feel so estranged. Nobody cares to keep in contact, and I am equally distant... and I would blame something sinister in modern technology...?? Like, we could stay in touch within our circles of five, but now we're running out of time to keep up with our 2020 friends...

flimsy conjectures. maybe wall-building. backing down with excuses.

Modern civilization is dying from a sickness, born of its great progress. There's no easy cure. Because we can not care, we start treating people without care. Then... it becomes easy to de-humanize people, when we no longer look at each other as humans.

So, who can make a better meme? who can coin a better phrase?

spinning my wheels, now. tired of trying to have a conversation with myself. tired of writing so much bullshit. tired of trying to make statements to draw out responses.

above all, tired of this life.