2 May 2021

 I was going to say,

“Nobody texts, nobody calls, nobody cares...”

...but that’s distorting the truth,

As some people are texting and calling...

So, then I try to say,

“**Most** of The friends and family I’ve come to depend on,

Who I’d really like some emotional supports from ,

Now seem to be silent, or missing, or actively excluding themselves from my life...”

Is that a proper application of CBT? I don’t know...

Because I believe I’ve been excluded, I don’t want to try to reestablish contacts; because I believe I’m respecting their desires for space and privacy. Yet, one person even told me that silence is a form of anger - and it becomes my duty to try to repair the damage...

Yes, that could be one interpretation of an amends.

Yes, that could also be some cultural expectation promoted by the media, a la “Jerry maguire’s ‘you had me at hello’ and similar scenes.

To break another’s silence is not a magic cure-all for every situation. If I had been toxic to someone, it’s not right to push them back into the poison.

I shouldn’t even break the silence, because I’m feeling separation pains. Perhaps it is time to concede that some past associates have moved in to different paths, that the costs of maintaining a changed relationship far exceed the benefits....

Recovery tells me that I should reconnect, primarily to repair the harms done, in the past. Beyond that, each person has some say in if they want to trust and respect each other again.

—————

...and yet...

So much of my life is disintegrating around me. I do feel horribly alone. I see myself being leveled to ground zero, with an unending 24/7 cycle of no joys or pleasures.

I catch myself in these thoughts that, “the world would be better off without me; because nobody’s making the efforts to include me.”

—————

I’d like to get off this pity-pot; but I’m wary of how that would happen.