2 May 2019

 it's 2 a.m. it would be wise to be asleep. i could spend this thursday, trying to be productive... trying to plan out how to untangle the messes in my life... taking ownership, I guess?

but, my strength has been waning, my faith has been fading - my passive pleas for attention go unanswered...

there were several points, today, scanning groceries at the store, where I slipped into a zombie mode - could not concentrate any more on the produce codes. i felt deflated, at the meeting before, like some sort of used balloon tossed into the waste bin (but we can not expect every person to get some attention!)

i do not know how much of that is my paranoia, and how much is real nervous breakdown.

i do not feel secure in my life. I do not talk much about it, but I do not feel secure in my country, or on this planet, even. my mind plays out horror films of eking out a meager existence in poverty, dealing with more and more pain... (at some point, my last bits of will will snap, and then...?)

I do not know if these witching hour diaries are therapeutic for me - I doubt it, and yet I do not attempt more direct contact, at this hour. I would like to respect your sleep.

I do not know if "being vulnerable" like this helps others to better appreciate me... especially if I snap at them, should they offer advice that I find questionable.

There's this crazy desire to be better understood, yet there's these defensive blocks against advice that seems out of reach - like, "Yeah, that might have worked for you, but I don't have the resources that you do"

....and.... "text wall"... spinning out in a shotgun blast, deflating the overall impact of the post (because it's not a 2-sentence meme that succintly and clearly captures all the troubles in my mind)

I have shut myself off, to operate in a vacuum; and slowly realize that I've lost my assistants.

Part of me thinks medical help could help defuse my frustrations; and yet another part wonders how to finance such care, with my mess of an insurance situation, right now.

If you want to post something, in reply, post "Belgium" - the hope is that it might give me a better sense of who actually reads these text walls. Then feel free to add whatever comments that you wish - just keep in mind that I might snap back my own replies.