I have anxiety right now, over lack of money and lack of free time. The frustration eats away at me, pushing me ever closer to the edge. Yay for modern medicines and their false serenity. Mixed feelings about recovery support groups...
And so I play with toadstools and spider webs ... because i'd rather bitch about being a victim, instead of "mustering the courage to change my circumstances "
If only I could have stuck to a day schedule, and looking at a computer...
If only retailers would hire us for more than 25 hours per week...
If only I could be happy, living in poverty...
And the dark side beckons from the shadows. "What's quick and painless?" ....because my brain dislikes being in pain.
And my body has rashes erupting, intestines aching, muscles and bones moaning. I would like an early end - maybe a heart attack or a blood clot, like my relatives. Since I'm a lonely heart, pining away, I feel like such a failure, sucking the good air that normal families could better use... (memories of the months leading up to my suicide attempt in '98)
It's like, "Life sucks! Why won't I die?"
Any way, probably getting morbid, because my brain just gets in that rut. I hope that a nice nap and a good chat in a few hours can bounce me back out... maybe some games this afternoon, too? Work is eating into my play time again, this week; and money got tight - but, hopefully, that, too, shall pass.
Unedited, I post this....
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