Am I trying to scare you into action?
...or am I afraid my actions mean nothing?
I hear the chaos spinning out of control in my head, and I feel so ineffective - so unable to make it change to a quiet mind. Part of me reaches for conversations, like through this post, and those might subside the storm for a minute or an hour...
But as those connective actions dwindle away, and I feel like I’m back to “empty and alone”... the maelstrom kicks up again, and the squirrels come chattering home.
A misguided past leaves me as a 5th wheel, today; and a refusal to play bad, perhaps, pushes me deep into the shadows
I know it’s not making sense
I doubt anyone understands, because I try not to talk a lot about my struggles.
Oh, maybe the “woe is the bare pantry” or even “woe is my cold bed”. I don’t try to dissect and analyze, though, to find what life choices in the past have dropped me now on this barren path.
Is what I thought was “honor and respect” simply a bunch of misplaced fears? Have I focused on a big goal, while forgetting so many smaller ones?
Does it even matter?
Is it even possible to change my course?
Or, am I fated now to die alone? ...and why would I want to prolong that hell of isolation? !? So, the demons rise up in my head, once again - trying to convince me that I’m worthless and better off dead.
I hate this - when I tear myself apart...
and I want to write it off as “my lonely heart”...
Why try to communicate?
Again, I attempt to sleep...
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