27 Sept 2020

 (cross-posting, in case the group post gets deleted)

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mixed messages??

A little recap (12:30 to 12:50 pm, 26 Sept, Saturday)

- I had an emotional breakdown in the 12@12 Zoom meeting on Saturday... (first, some quiver in my share...)

- staying around free time to try to talk about it..?? (... a full-on cry)

- but then feeling so much attention/pressure that I had to get off the computer entirely, with some time still left in free time (and I cried it out on my bed)

There were no signs of later contact(s) on this Saturday from the other 10 people who were in free time, following the meeting. Not by phone, not by text, not on Facebook, not even in this group (where I've been an active poster!)

I'm like, "WTF?!" Was that exit, that ugly, to not warrant any type of follow-ups?

(Yeah, walking in the park, socially distanced, and chasing ducks sounds pretty cool... - mentioned while I was there )

I lost track of some of the other suggestions, as I began to lose my s*** from the sudden attention; because I've seen so little check-ins - even from all the people I've tried to contact or just reply to, going back to March.

I'm guessing there's 3 people in Austin, and 2 outside of Austin (who all are connected to Austin AA) who have been maintaining any contact(s) with me - outside of meetings and fellowship events. I'm probably lucky to have that many active contacts, right now. Yet, over the last couple of days, they all went silent. That silence cut me to the core. It brought back my personal fear that "no one values me".

We need to be using our phones more during quarantine, because a voice is a lot better than texts, and texts are a whole lot better than the Facebook walls. Also, because many of us aren't taking the risks to get together in person (just a small fear of a painful viral death...). Right now, voice and video calls are what keep most of us connected - not the face-to-face interactions with the few brave/foolish individuals going to live meetings or the random post seen in passing here.

If everyone starts calling everyone else - yeah, sure.... we'll see a lot more time in conversations instead of self-quarantining. Yet, at least, we won't be left alone with our own thoughts, right???