27 Sept 2016

 what is important? ..necessary? ..kind?

There's a mountain of mail, I shoul hop in the shower soon, my physical therapy exercises gather dust - neglected.

I'm engaged in email exchanges; although I worry that chemistry will be my downfall, once again. that, or the stinging bite of poverty.

Looking for topics of conversation, when I don't keep up with news, or hobbies, or learning, or reading.

Stripped down to a naked guru, perhaps - is he really at peace in seclusion on the mountaintop? Or just become a wild animal, struggling to survive, stay fed and sheltered?

Crushing weight of a thousand paper cuts, deafened by collectors calling.

current music, if anyone's keeping track: "The Book of Eli" original soundtrack. First song first found on Spotify, then album amd artist recommended by a customer.

Fear grips me, when I speak, that I am no longer well-informed. No book smarts, no street smarts...

I keep hitting snooze when the alarms go off. I do not want to come back through the gates of horn and ivory - apathy here, not sure if that's the correct image Gaiman used for the entrance to Dreamlands but I don't want to fact-check it.

Why check facts when fantasy is so appealing? Why face the tedium of this modern life - so little satisfaction remains? Why wake, when I can wish?

Part of me wants to escape, to follow the call of the peace call, to just say "Fuck it All!!" and get out of the country, quickly. Part of me throws up his hands at the bill collectors and renewals and wishes for a sweet, hand-written letter from ladies I used to correspond with. Part of me grows bitter as the loves grow old, and they carve that pound of flesh from my still beating breast with knives or ice barbed with dead roses' thorns.

ok, maybe a little melodramatic, there.

Now, i chuckle... ah, irish proverb: "Nothing that a long nap, a good laugh, and a full meal can't fix" is probably misquoted but still holds some simple truths. My humor can be dark and twisted or light-hearted, we never know which wolf it may be feeding...

What is important? ..necessary? ..kind?

What am I doing with my life, and what can I be doing instead? Do I start the chase for another career, when time is so short? What am I not doing that needs to be done? How is my maintenance breaking down? How is my growth stunted? How are my true hobbies neglected? What can I do with this mountain of writing that I'm accumulating?

You see, money is easy to budget, if you're willing to sacrifice or struggle. Time, though, is a precious commodity, easily wasted and never regained. How many years have built up, with nothing of value retained?

Eh. time to shower. "All these memories lost, like tear drops in the rain..."