30 Sept 2018

 Another wave of terror about the country I live in, and the murky future I see before me...

Coupled with body aches and allergies, and absent friends...

...and the suicidal ideations trickle in as the flight response goes into high alert. The call of the void is strong...

So, I post, to tell on myself, and tell myself that “suicide is not a viable solution” (literally!) that, some times, blotting out all the stimuli producing anxiety may be the best path... that, living in the present, even in pain, may be the best way to reduce excessively worrying again.

Are these bipolar reactions? Are these meant to be medicated away? Are there good ways to restore faith that tomorrow will be a better day?

Reality seems unreal; and I do not understand how brutal the blows are that it can nonchalantly deal to us.

I suspect that a friend died last week, yet no mutual friends reached out for support from me...? Then again, I did get a call from a Dallas number; and yet no one responded when I talked into my headset. Yes, I could take the initiative, yet the impression I got was that everyone was overwhelmed with sympathetic condolences.

Then again, as I have no confirmation, this could be my brain reading too much into the vague book.

I’m reminded that another friend died in Fall of 2017; and I didn’t learn about it until Spring of 2018.

I do not attempt to stay in daily contact with anyone in my life; so I get left bewailing that no one tries to contact me. Partially because I conditioned myself to be in daily contact with my best friend in high school, to live in communal housing situations - that’s why I bemoan lack of contacts..?

I would hazard that if I have let you into my life, then I have come to trust that our relationship is useful to each other. Yet I will not force myself to call you, just to “check up on you” - partly to avoid appearing demanding, partly to respect your privacy, and partly to avoid obsessing about you.

(..or, perhaps you’re in a trial period, where judgement is being reserved? Could be said of many Facebook friends that I’ve added and later dropped...)

So, a blanket statement, to give you an update...

My mind’s been under a lot of stress, this week, from both “national news” and “local concerns”. I don’t want to surrender. I want to grieve. Yet, i want to fight, too, from fear of how much worse it can get. Yet, I feel my blows would be but dandelion puffs. ...and, in the end, confusion.