I want to appear all poetic about this, thinking it would conceal the harsh truth. My mind tangos with self-harm, because it feels that I have not risen to my standard of success, or even just plain survival, that it's been told to aspire to. The spectator segment of my mind keeps seeing that dance, and tries screaming to the screen, claiming "I need help!" or "I need validation!"
...my attempts to be rescued from my sicker self...?
yet, I lash out instead of gently accepting help. still not entirely sure why, but i think it's the intervening mask? the part of me that critiques your help as "only trying to feed the aspirations that got me stuck in this predicament to begin with" i refuse to believe that our media-driven models of success are even healthy to begin with... healthy for ourselves, our neighbors, our planet
...and i'm only grasping shadows of why being so vocal about all of this is ultimately leading to more self-harm? yes, the computer screen is insensitive. yes, the megaphone bolsters our fears that we may be seen as incorrect and makes us fight all the harder to hammer our view into the conversation. (I think I'm hinting here at something I read once about conversations in public, compared to conversations in private...) also, the support falls off quickly, when not followed? (People being like, "we tried to help out. you didn't follow our advice. why should we get burned twice?")
this could be seen as wall-building and excuse-making and hedging, perhaps - not as direct, simple statements... but i do not want to commit to statements with finality, like "I'm going to kill myself, today" or "I will accept your advice without question" or any other cookie-cutter solutions...
because my mind is conflicted, at war with itself.
and i see so little evidence that anyone wants to fight with me.
...and, in despair, I feel like just another casualty of this world's wars...
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