5 March 2020

 Why do I want company?

...and, if that's a true question, why do I not seek company?

For the first, I think it really boils down to having some sort of interactions with another living being. If for no other reason, because I can't always predict their actions and reactions and I might just be exposed to new and novel concepts.

Yet, for the second, I'm afraid of "being a nuisance", "being a harasser", or just "being inconvenient". ...or even, "being dependent". At the core of all that is this desire not to disturb another, this desire to maintain peace... and, perhaps, there's a little bit of fear of being manipulated or used by another (or being perceived as such) - all sorts of concepts swirling around current society that spin off from "do no harm"

I think to myself that I'm minimizing my harm(s), yet still expressing myself, by posting to Facebook... but so often, the conversations have gone squirrelly, that I'm starting to backtrack even on that idea. Perhaps I just can't see how the expressions (or their repetition, ad infinitum) are eroding away at peoples' perceptions of who I am.

I don't know. Yes, I do think too much. I have lots and lots and lots of thoughts that start perculating out, if I'm allowed to speak, freely (especially allowed, by myself)... Fortunately (or not), I tend to not speak my mind in most situations - I tend to find myself listening politely... at least, that is how I'm reflecting on my past conversations.

I believe that people are trustworthy, until they aren't. Yet, with some topics, there's a lot of evidence in the past that people might harm someone, if the topic is brought up. It could be shaming, or it could be emotional abuse, or it could be physical violence.

It would be nice if everyone loved their neighbor as they loved themselves. Yet, there's a lot of pressure out there to fear our neighbors, instead. I'm just as guilty of succumbing to fear as the next person. If I face the fear, or even act against the fear, it is entirely conceivable that I get hurt or die; but my death would not severely disrupt the universe. (morbid reflection, I guess) In the big scheme of things, I don't think it matters if there's a possibility of pain; some times, we have to swallow some humiliation or loss in order to be helpful to the world.

this is spinning out a bit. i still really want more company in my present life, yet I still don't want to be seen as a nuisance.