31 March 2020

I do not want to attempt sleep.

There's a fear that, by drinking iced tea throughout the day, my brain has been soaking in caffeine, and has forgotten...?

I see a resentment, too - that desire that my friends and family would interact with me more directly, one on one or maybe in a small group. It's been nipping on my heels - that resentment - for at least two years now; but, for the love of Mike, why, oh why do I not initiate those contacts? Maybe I'm projecting a low value of myself onto others - thinking that they would not welcome my company, because I'm not just not interesting or cool enough to be worth the time and energy for such company. But, that digresses...

I want to create an attractive post. One that engages others. One that shows off some of my talents...

and yet - poor self-image - what talents could easily be lobbed onto the Facebook wall? ...and why do I have this whole dependence on Facebook, to begin with?

this is probably not an attractive post. Sure, popular psychology claims that men need to be more open about their feelings... Yet, I see that most of the world, for whatever reasons, does not want to deal with situations that are NOT positive and uplifting. We want the heroes to win, we want morality or karma to prevail....

Is that how we measure success? By how well our reality compares with popular stories?

I have to tutor a high schooler in 7 hours, online. If I stay up much later, I would probably be doing him a disservice. Plus, I have to figure out how ACC's tutoring is going to play out. So, I don't know what was worthwhile - maybe just the writing helped bring on my yawns.

Have a good night, all, and wash your hands!