that feeling when...
i look upon my life, and i find it empty and wanting - and i question if it's all trivial consumerism...?
also, are my attempts to be "polite and respectful" more self-sabotage, preventing me from clearly expressing my dreams and desires? What rabbit was I chasing, or did I just get stuck in a hole?
Tricky levels of paranoia at play, reinforced when people try to tell me, "You're living life wrong..." because they fear the pain they see in my future..
I write this, knowing, from past posts, that it won't be... beneficial...?
My head takes in the garbage that it swims in, and it creates a model of trashy life. I attempt to be cosmopolitan, yet i am a straw man, with no infrastructure.
I woul study in sclusion, the phrsical world - the beautiful patterns all around us. Yet, fear again - will that put food on the table, and a roof to sleep in? fear again, that the peace corps is just a phatasm, blocked by the hard reality of medication.
I do not want to dwell on problems, yet their study might unveil so much more beyond me - no cut-and-dry single solutions. perhaps a crazily complex system...
and yet...simple solutions keep being shoved under my nose...
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