4 March 2019

 So, trying to turn this around:

My mind wants to scream, "Nobody fucking cares about "Mr. Bean"... you might laugh at my antics, you might weather my lectures, but nobody goes out of their way to check up on me... to just call and say, 'how are you? haven't seen you in a while... would you like to come visit?"

First, it's unfair to broaden it out to "nobody', bordering on becoming an all or nothing statement, which very rarely, if ever, is a true statement. Some, perhaps.. A few, maybe.. but to go all the way to nobody is unfair.

Second, basing this all on a small window of time is unfair, too. We can not be expected to be in constant communication with everyone, 24/7. Even Facebook does not guarantee that level of connection.

Third, it's doubtful that I would respond immediately to either phone calls or visits, as they happen so rarely that I'm not sure I'm prepared for working them into my schedule.

Fourth, people will cite reciprocation laws at me, saying you get back what you put out into the world. So, because I don't try to see your band, or swing by your house, or call you on the phone, or go to your favorite AA meeting, then why should you be expected to "intersect with my life activities". I know I could do better at reaching out to y'all, to try to interact enough with you in order to see you as more than acquaintances... I could also claim that I have introverted tendencies, and that social inclusion is not a driving force in my behavior. (I typically eat out on my own, stay to myself at home, etc etc... and I almost never approach anyone from a dating angle)

So, I could call out to several people who are on my mind right now (dana b, roxanne g, jack m, my dad, etc etc) - but I'm more than likely NOT going to do so, because I feel that phone calls are fairly intrusive if done cold. I do not want to get into online chats... basically, even though I feel fairly rough, right now, it's not reached the point where I NEED to call out. Besides, if it was a true desperation call, I'd probably use 472-HELP instead, as those folks are supposed to be trained professionals, right? Or, just schedule time(s) with therapist, like everyone does (because no one has the time or inclination to listen to each other, any more)...

I guess people could cite the crying wolf, too; that all this just seems to rehash prior thoughts, to be obsessing on a theme, to be nothing new.

I am not entirely sure what all the factors are that are twisting me up on this. Maybe I feel like the canary in the coal mine, chirping loudly about how people used to make time to talk with each other (not call, not text)... and pointing at all the mental illness that is increased by our "digital age of mass communications"

my prediction is that this post will be treated as yet another text wall that most people will skip past. it might draw out a troll or two. i do not know if anyone can relate with my frustrations - I do not know if my frustrations are even clear, yet...