2 March 2020

 I was at Cici’s, having their pizza buffet, about 10 minutes ago. I could have been at BAMP’s weekly meeting, or even the noon AA at cherry creek, but I woke up too late, today.

About 5 minutes ago, I was reading

Shawn Wright

’s post about watching people sink into addiction.

Now, I’m listening to one of the Austin pan-handling drunks, yelling to the streets, “I need one penny! I need one penny!” I don’t have even that, to give him... and I strongly suspect he wants another drink, not bus fare.

Here’s the personal confession: I was contemplating the idea of abandoning AA and recovery, while at Cici’s. The justifications in my head were like, “no one interacts with me in recovery”, “I keep seeing differences between alcoholics’ reasons for drinking and mine”, and “I think my drinking friends would appreciate me more if I drank”.

That’s not totally true.

I want to abandon the recovery community because I feel invisible, there. But I don’t really want to waste a lot of money on drugs and alcohol. I don’t see much point in using substances... but it’s really hard to see much reward in staying active in the recovery communities, too - it feels so foreign and unwelcoming. (I say that, but it’s not 100% true, either)

Actually, I see an echo in my posts for the past few years:

“I don’t see much point in continuing to live.”

...but that’s probably rooted in dialogues about living in poverty, and feeling so unattractive...