Part of me wanted to crank out a big old rant, when I got home... and I suspect that's fueled by feelings of isolation and frustration. I'm also getting really tired of most of my conversations being "3-minute monologues" - possibly the reason I like my game chats, and writers' group, and such... and even the Poems of the Day - because I'm craving some non-meeting based back-and-forth conversation.
I suppose one of my fears is to die alone and ignored, feeling like no one wanted me in their lives any more.
Thinking about AA, there's certainly been times, from sobriety year 5 on (at least), where I just feel like a pariah, like nobody there wants to associate with me. It's disconcerting. It makes me question if I really belong there. Coming up on year 10, it's made for some rough living these last 5 years.
To be honest, I don't really want to hear people come back and say, "Be of Service! Reach Out to Somebody!" and all those other stock solutions... Yes, they work if you keep at them, but they're not permanent...
OK... I'm starting to rant. It's just frustrating that late-night back-porch conversations seem to have evaporated since I got sober. Maybe Austin's outgrown the small community feel. Quite possibly, I'm not a great conversationalist, who can hold the attention of any size audience. Maybe the world's just gotten much more narcissistic with the preoccupation with selfies and what they're going to say. Maybe it's more of an American problem, and life would be better in India... Maybe I seem one dimensional to most people, without opinions on a wide range of interests - OK, most of the time, especially in offline forums, I don't speak up on a lot of stuff. "What does it matter what color the bloody dress is?"
getting bored with typing. just going to post the above, and see what happens. based on past experience: a couple of likes, one or two comments, and no response offline via phone call, text message, or good old face-to-face conversation...
so be it. speaking into the wind, and I hear one hand clapping.
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