28 March 2018

 There's a devil inside of me that just wants to put thoughts into words, without giving a damn about how they may be perceived... or consideration of how the underlying ideas might distort and misrepresent the truth. "First drafts and first ideas are good enough..."

Yet, I do not want to speak on people, places, or things that I know not of. I do not try to follow my government's actions actively (some would chide me, saying "you should!") - mostly because I minimize what impact I can affect upon the government. (it's difficult for me to believe that I am a tipping point when it comes to the laws of large numbers... but then if i phrase my stance well enough perhaps it could propagate along my contact networks)

even with close friends, i do not want to assign views to them. perhaps if i enough direct communications to support such assignations... but i think it borders on gossiping?

so. i get trapped in a strange ignorance, both blissful and painful. i do not want to hazard guesses on thoughts outside of my experience. i do not want to teach on a subject i have not studied (although so much stuff is intertwined and cross-disciplinary, these days)

and, information anxiety looms! I feel a fool because i have not chased the latest pop culture, or kept abreast of science's cutting edge(s), or just participated in society...

as i shiver in my bed, alone, while trying to sleep... as i fear the phone and the impropriety of calling, out of the blue... as i see connections unravel from lack of attention - a fear of dying alone, unnoticed that I'm gone; of vanishing also looms. a horrible vision of falling (either real or figuratively) and being unable to get up unaided because no one is around anymore who would offer aid...

In the 90's, I questioned the relevance of "small talk". But it's much better than "no talk".

some might say, "read a book, or watch the tv, if you so desperately need company! (or pray)" others would have that I go and push myself upon people, practically forcing them to have my help. ...or, "get out of your shell/bubble, go and see what the world has to offer!" Then again, as an introvert, I have some aversion to casual conversations and company??

it's a complaint, then. or a question? "As I get older, am I becoming more and isolated? If so, why? Or is it just present circumstance?"

as we surround ourselves with distraction, like entertainment, and social media - tv's, movies, radios, and smart phones - more and more specific cliques that we want to retreat into (bubbles)... are we creating such specific nests, that no one fits in the same tree, any longer?

i fear this will vanish into vapors - a first draft just hurriedly scrawled, with untested, uncertain hypotheses... although some ideas i see echoing prior writings... but, "if i blame it on bipolar's half-finished fences", this will not be revised or tested by me; and it will be lost in a week or two, as we all tread the relentless flood of information.