30 April 2011

SSSU: "bed bath" - waking up, shivering, in a pool of your old sweat on a hot summer's night - "& beyond" - ...and wondering how one can drown out this dreary doldrum with dreams delightful and deluge-ional

30 April 2012

 A seed was planted in my mind:

If we held politicians and policy makers up to the same amount of public scrutiny that we give to entertainment celebrities, then...

Similar thread: our executives (govt and corp) need to be held accountable for their actions, and need to exhibit respect for Universal values...

30 April 2012

 The churning mind of Mr. Bean:

"I believe that I am _____.

Unfortunately, I also have a little devil on my shouldering, whispering in my ear, 'Some of those people don't believe that you are _____'

So, what do I have to say or do to convince them that I'm _____? Die a ____-related death...?!?"

I can think of 3 conditions, at least, that fill in the _____, for me...

And that complicates matters, because it isn't always clear which one's at play in a given situation...

30 April 2015

 - Baltimore protests, now spreading to 8 cities (per #USUncut)

- earthquake in Nepal creates need for aid

- gay marriage coming up at the Supreme Court

- Bernie Sanders puts his hat in POTUS race

...and still, there's a part of me that wants to ignore all of this, because "I don't feel directly impacted". I don't want to start flame wars, or appear calloused, or (alternatively) associated towards an issue... (I did browse photos of "white privilege" because I thought it appropriate)

I'm not perfect, by any means, and I'm probably being selfish through my total inaction. It's hard to take a stand when I see very little that I gain by doing so.

Still:

- violence only exacerbates police violence

- I wish there was a way I could aid Nepal, but I'm strapped financially. Maybe I could donate food or clothes to aid organizations like the Red Cross

- I believe gays are entitled to the same rights as heterosexuals, as I think sexuality is on par with race, age, and gender in our "ability to (not) choose it"

- Sanders is probably going to shake up the Democratic race a bit. More than likely, his involvement will lead Clinton to change some of her stances. I suspect Clinton will still win the Democratic nomination, due to her prior political involvements. However, this country still has a few misogynists, who won't vote for Clinton because of her gender - possibly giving strength to the Republican candidates. If Clinton were to win, I can easily see more congressional impasses (like what Obama faced) because it's Congress is still an "old white men's club"

29 April 2012

 Idea: "Create-a-conversation"

Choose your audience:

One-on-one, 3-8 people, public forum...

Choose your medium:

Text (letters, posts, etc), Phone, In person...

Choose 3-10 topics for discussion, with or without time limits, with or without prior notice

Post a comment with the above preferences, and maybe we can coordinate to make it happen..?

29 April 2014

 I don't know what I "should" share here...

Is Facebook just a half-measure, my fishing for someone who's willing to listen and/or comment? (More than likely)

I could call people on the phone. Would they listen? I doubt it. For any number of reasons, my phone stays silent... (They're too busy, they don't care, they don't think they have my number, they don't know a safe time to call me...)

I don't know if it's critical that I talk tonight.

I'm just... just... Frustrated? Lonely? Bothered?

28 April 2012

 1) To "...not say anything at all"

2) To "...agree to disagree"

3) To "...dig in your heels, stand your ground, and be heard"

Which tack to take in an argument? Personally, I think it depends on which of your values is in disagreement, and how well those sync up with Universal values...

28 April 2012

My brain percolations at work:

I'm thinking I've plateaued at 7 years sober - can't discern growth over the last couple of years...

Underneath that, I think there's some old ideas and behaviors that I'm not looking closely at and/or letting go of.

Now, the question is: "How do I get 'unstuck'? ...or how do I uncover those ideas/behaviors???

...oh, and this has a lot more to do with 'manifestations of self' than it has to do with physical sobriety...

28 April 2019

 My mind's trying to create all sorts of theories and explanations, for my isolation, today...

I want to be attractive and interesting.

I want to be included.

I want to believe that people want me in their lives.

Yet, the silence and the cold shoulders and the distracting phones and the momentous achievements push me into the shadows... push me towards the edge... push my small-town buttons.

Of course, I'm all tunnel-visioned on "right here, right now" and forgetting about the distant past of a week ago...

Feeling inconsequential and abandoned?

Feeling overly dramatic?

feeling so tired and weary...

27 April 2011

 Today, I've seen two posts saying, "The world is our treasure-house - boundless..."

I apologize, but.. WTF?!?!

I think we have been entrusted as custodian's of God's creation, and should be highly aware of our impact on it, good and bad.

27 April 2012

 Several things to do, with only 4 hours of sleep... 

27 April 2020

 So, I took a stroll down a friend's Facebook wall, going through the last 7 days of posts. They had posted a lot of memes (kind of like I do); but the comments were very few and far in between.

Curious, I went through my own posts from the last week - and noticed basically the same "lack of conversation(s)". Yes, there have been a couple of comments from a couple of people (who I greatly appreciate for commenting)... but, for the most part:

- less than 10 comments per post, with many posts uncommented

- less than 10 people making comments?

...I recall a comment, 4 years back, from Pat, saying "stop shit-posting". It makes more sense, now...

It's like Facebook is a grand "Show and Tell", or a Christmas catalog, devoid of content. Is it worth saving? Is it worth adding more empty electrons to?

26 April 2017

 hich book have I not read?

1) Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance

2) The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

3) Stranger in a Strange Land

4) American Gods

5) The Bell Jar

6) Principia Mathematica

7) The Tao of Pooh

I, Robot

9) Bearing an Hourglass

10) Information Anxiety

Now, I don't remember good quotes from all of the above, but.... here's my response to the concert thread that's going viral on Facebook, right now.

Note: list was generated from memory, without trying to track down the books in question. One reason I didn't pepper it with a lot of textbooks...

26 April 2018

 So... a political activism group, here in Austin, posted a Washington Post article about "InCel" men - self-described as involuntarily celibate: "In the darker web corners, there are groups of these folks, who post misogynistic stuff. The article then linked a couple of vehicular group assaults (driving vans into crowds) over the last few years, back to these "InCel" discussion groups..."

Then there's the various hate groups out there, that take time to attack other races or other classes - claiming one or another slight caused by "the others"...and these hate groups are typically linked back to our mass shooters.

What I'm thinking is that "discussing in bubbles" online, via bashing others and expressing violent acts in retaliation... is probably not a healthy way of addressing one's grievances with "the others".. To me, it reeks of "punishment-based discipline" methods.

Unfortunately, I can see how some folks (some, but not all of them) may have been subjected to authoritarian parenting and/or abusive environments all of their lives, and therefore believe it to be the **only** means for resolving problems. (a variant of "you have to fight, to get what you want") (or... "gang members will only learn by being intimidated") (Or.. "we were paddled when we were in school") I think violence-based discussion (or might-based solutions) are ultimately divisive and fear-inducing and unhealthy for at least one individual involved in the scenario. (like distorting the speaker's reality, or harming the other...)

Encouraging abuse is not good for anybody.

Yet, abusers still do it, because they believe that they can gain power by reducing others.

...I'm not expressing all my thoughts and tangents, yet - partly to avoid long posts going in too many directions... but, I am interested if this post resonates with anyone.

26 April 2020

 It's like I've been vibrating between content and deeply depressed over the last 24 hours. Mixed feelings that I'm doing alright and that I'm an abject failure.

The lingering cloud that "nobody understands me, and nobody wants to understand me." (Flooded with text messages, only to see they're tutoring jobs that go away 5 seconds before they're available)

The sinking feeling that the world is becoming crueler by leaps and bounds, as people start to feel their own desperation. Like, society is at a precipice before it turns and eats itself, akin to some of our own body's autoimmune responses.

25 April 2019

 I'm confused about my physical health treatment options, at the present moment.

- I believe the insurance I signed up for on healthcare.gov has been cancelled, because I could never scrape together a payment.

- On the first reading of the basic insurance offered by Sprouts, that feels like a "healthy person's bare minimum"... it read like there were only 3 doctor's visits allowed per year at $60 co-pays each

- When I tried to get on the MAP program, I was told that I was above their income limits...

I find myself worried that I'm developing skin cancer, that my joints are falling apart, and that I'm quickly heading towards various diseases of the heart.

I do not enjoy suffering long-term pain. I wonder if I'm avoiding the doctor out of cost concerns, or if I've lost all desire to care for my health.

I also do not like trying to navigate health care choices on my own. I do not want to try to make sense of the confusing maze of doctor's fees, insurance co-pays, and insurance premiums

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25 April 2020

 Honestly, I just want my mind to return to some sort of sleep...

However, it snapped awake, half an hour ago, at 2 a.m. - after 2 hours of sleep.

Part of me would be willing to get into a rambling conversation - possibly online - while the rest of me puts up all sorts of excuses to avoid such a conversation. "I don't want to wake somebody else" "I don't want to talk for so long that it prevents useful sleep over the rest of the night" ...

"I feel like my conversation is undesired, that my topics would be 'unstimulating' or 'psychosis-based'. ...said another way, I'm wary of discussing current hot topics...

-------------

In a greater arc, perhaps I'm tired of wallowing in the shallow end of the pool. It can be tough, waiting for replies that may not ever be written. There's a point where the fandoms and the cats and the dinner pics all begin to feel like flipping through the old family vacation photo albums. There's another path, where people try to one-up each others' "socially woke" treatises, and, in the process, show how mean they can still be to each other.

I just want remind everyone how flaws can creep in to communication as we peel away the human-to-human connection: video conferencing, audio calls, texting, social media all chip away at our ability to empathize. One-sided conversations - such as books, magazines, TVs, movies, and more - can do a fair job of preserving the message; but those tend to be one source broadcasting, with very little feedback shaping future broadcasts...

...and so I broadcast, to dodge an online debate. ...or I share in AA meetings, to avoid cross-ralk. ...or I tutor, to speak on those topics, where I believe I'm qualified.

Although I do enjoy a chaotic, rambling conversation; I often find myself lost in the crowd, when too many are involved. It's not a new issue, and it's dogged me through my adult life. (and probably my childhood, too, but I wasn't as acutely aware of it, then)

Part of wants to spark a conversation, possibly on some touchy topics. Another part does not want to deal with the fallout, should the conversation turn sour. It's hard for me to understand why people would push others out of their lives; yet I'm beginning to get a better picture of how harmful some of OUR ideas can be to others. Also, it's frustrating when another's views do not seem to align with how I perceive reality (or vice versa) - ultimately, gravity still operates so I'm not planning on skydiving without a parachute (or, "you can demand your freedom, but I'm going to maintain my quarantine")

but I digress. I recognize there's some fear that I have around "posting anything and everything". I recognize that some posts are easily misinterpreted, especially if they were posted as sarcasm. yadda yadda yadda... it would behoove me to reconsider "the Four Agreements" ....even though I yearn to talk with others, the cacophony of conversations the creates may be counter-productive: I can't hear myself because I'm at a party or a concert....

spinning still... trying to wear myself out... trying to stream out, but still feeling quite blocked by the medium's constraints...

24 April 2011 - Finances

 Finances: So, this year my student loans started the wage garnishment. At the same time, 7-Eleven has reduced my hours because of decreased business...

Result: my budget's been thrown all out of whack, and the stress of financial insecurity has been weighing on me.

24 April 2011

 Romances: ..been thinking about past relationships, as part of 4th Step work with my sponsor, and conclusion seems to be this is an area best left on hold - still got to organize traits of the "safe, sound ideal", though.

Questions: What am I able to bring the table, and what do I need to do to improve those contributions? Getting financially self-supporting and independent could be a good start...

23 April 2011

 All that being said, I can see the critics out there going, "Yeah, and why are you putting stock in computer-generated tarot readings?"

Weeeeell, ya know, I haven't got a sound, scientific explanation for believing them, but I can certainly see (in the past) how Tarot readings (in the past) have uncovered parts of my experience related to my situation that I had "turned a blind eye towards"

23 April 2018

 I'm choking on my brain's strange cocktail of cynicism and paranoia, unable to breathe easy...

...and that's not supposed to be the way to start a conversation, to win friends and influence people. Sort of like people getting knocked off-balance when I don't say, "Everything's OK" to their (supposedly innocent) question, "How are you?"

Yes, I would love to meet you with a smile in my heart and a clear brain. I would absolutely love it if circumstances were such, so that I was not worried about finances, health, and romances! "Alas, poor Yorrick..." ...things are not well...

AA's turn their backs when I come near. My DM strips my character of power. Students can't make sense of my explanations... All within 12 hours, although some are repetitions of much longer trends. "Ah, the Pariah Treatment! So Infuriating!" ...or am I viewed as just a doormat, or a calculator made flesh?

I don't know. Yet I can't say, "I don't care"...

I feel like I'm being decimated by gnats, punched repeatedly like a time clock, left to dry out in the wind because I was cast as a wet blanket!

Oy... Perhaps my mental illness intersects with the autism spectrum. Perhaps I am too weird and/or too normal to be accepted by the people I engage with. Perhaps today's sand is heavy upon my feet...

I think there's more thoughts, but I don't even know if they're worth posting. For one, I am diseased, and I am foolish to post first drafts... For another, most indications tell me that practically nobody is reading this stuff, anyway. (Maybe they'd rather post pictures of what they ate, last night?)

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23 April 2019

 I was officially diagnosed as bipolar in August of '96; although I didn't really grasp how it applied to my thinking...

I was asked to leave the co-ops for "uncooperative behavior" when I got out of the hospital in September. Understandable, to some degree, as the co-ops are not caregivers, and are not expected to treat mentally ill residents back to sanity. (I had seen similar situations happen with other individuals in the four years that I lived in the co-ops...)

When we're mentally ill, we are quite likely to act irrationally and unpredictably... and most people do not have good social tools for dealing with this erratic behavior. Probably more so, if we have had stretches of sane clarity in our past.

From there, I roomed with a good college friend, in the fall; then with an older high school classmate for about a year; and I asked to move back into the co-ops, having a semblance of sanity, again. Yet, probably starting in November of '96, I began to become very frustrated with my life circumstances, and began considering several methods of suicide, when I was by myself. As an example, I practiced cutting on my arm with my Swiss army knife, without actually breaking the skin...

It was not until October of 1998 before I actually attempted suicide - ironically, by overdosing on my psychiatric medications. I do not how much of it was wrapped up in poor self-image and how much the poor situational triggers contributed to the decision.... but the decision had come to me that "I was wasting resources, and the world should not have to support me, further"...

Some of the situational stuff going on: my third girlfriend had broken up with me in the summer before, i was now working as a secretary instead of a tutor, i was running out of money with two weeks left before I would be paid again, ...

---------

With that background in mind, I look at the suicidal thoughts bubbling up over the last 2-5 years; and I worry a little that some combination of catastrophes might push me over the edge, like they did in October of '98. I worry that I'll be dragged under by poverty and loneliness, and blocked from seeing what value my life has in the world.

some might call this selfish: "that the fear of my personal pain may prevent me from seeing the pain that I could cause others" (using suicide as a way to escape future pains)

I do not know if there are quick fixes to all of the situational triggers - some might joke that "those are just part of living life and growing up"... others might claim that I'm becoming more aware of self-care opportunities. I do not know if there is a magic pill that could suppress the suicidal option; but there are certainly pills that can turn me into a drooling zombie (the ones used to overdose on were in that category)...

Some of it could just be, "learning to be satisfied with where I'm at, right here, right now..." or making the adjustments to get to that point...

;

23 April 2020

 I was rudely awakened two hours ago by an acid reflux moment; and I've been afraid to go back to sleep.

Also... I'm working with The Mood Center at Integral Care; and we're trying to get my sleep schedule back on a regular regimen. At the same time, we're trying to swap out Trazadone for the Olanzapine - and I think the Olanzapine was acting as a sleep aid. But, I've heard that Olanzapine can be such a dirty drug, for its long-term side effects...

So, it feels like my sleep schedule is in this cycle of 2 hours sleep, 2 hours awake, then 4 hours of sleep. Leaving me somewhat exhausted during the day, and prone to taking naps. That could also just be the quarantine. Or it could be side effects from the blood pressure and cholesterol meds...?

There's this lingering fear that, if my sleep doesn't become longer - i.e. doesn't reach delta cycles - that over time, my mental health will degrade into a manic episode. I'm starting to see some of the classic early symptoms of that. (Restlessness, Irritability, Rapid Speech, Increased Sex Drive...)

There's another dimension to my present-day situation. I'd like to reach out more, socially - through phone calls and texts. I'm stymied by trying to find an optimum time to do so; because I have fairly full days with online math tutoring. Still, there's a part of me that would like to believe that our communication lives are not entirely wrapped up in social media. I suspect, though, that many people have abandoned phone calls and texts as means of communication - that, or the darker conclusion is that nobody desires to reach out to me.

So, I'm left with Zoom meetings. Or... passing conversations with my house mates.

I'm super grateful that I still have tutoring jobs - that I'm currently able to get my essential bills paid. I don't know if it's enough money to help support others, though. ....and I don't know if there's much free time available for others, either.

I've let the poem/post collecting fall to the wayside. There's a tiny bit of me that would like to compile the last 10 years into different collections of writing. Yet, I do not relish sifting through everything to try to make a viable collection. Plus, there's the my experience of my mom and my aunt, who did try to self-publish - but not with a lot of return on their investment. So, I have a whole lot of poems that mostly served as an experiment: "Could I write consistently, every day, for a year? If not, perhaps writing is not my careeer."

I want to believe that I have abandoned the idea of journaling on Facebook. I don't want a lot of the friction that the comments seemed to stir up. But then..?! There's posts like this. I also still like to "shit-post" - posting stuff that has very little relevance to real events in the real world. I would think there are some personal reasons underneath that - not the least of which being "feeling grossly uninformed about the hot issues".

22 April 2013

 I find myself staring at the abyss of futility, thinking hopeless thoughts..

Grumble grumble.. I do not like poverty. I do not like feeling unsuccessful. I do not like this financial bondage.

I find myself in a war with my mind, just trying to convince myself to keep trudging.

22 April 2018

 I'm starting to reach out, because self-sufficiency has been failing me. My conversation skills are a mixed bag - I tend to just fade into the background in groups. All the while, paranoia lurks in the corners of my mind...?

Fuck. Talking to a vacuum... talking to myself... not sure if that can work out a solution to the things blocking my life. Also, not sure if chasing some phantasm of the American Dream would ease my difficulties or increase them.

Why can't I be a follower, and talk about the Basketball finals, or whichever celebrity is in the spotlight, or whatever media is the next big story? I could try, but all that following takes up time... and time is so much more mercurial than wealth...

Probably just trying to talk myself to sleep, right now. Not even attempting to make a reasoned argument, or a story with a plot or a moral. Just want the fears to be lessened... (I first typed "lessoned" - like fear can be taught anything?)

Good night, all. Sleep well, when you sleep, and may you wake invigorating Earth Day activities...

22 April 2019

 In my various forays into dating sites, I've often seen the catch phrase, "I want to find someone who makes me laugh"...

I was thnking about this, today, and I must beg to differ. For, you see, most humor has some element of judgement, or even harm, inside of it. People (might be?) joking about people, places, things, or values that differ in ways from their own. When academically analyzed, a lot of this falls under micro-aggresions...

So, I would claim that many want to find people who support the seeker's individual values; and this is best discerned by the type of humor that is used. I.e., if the two people in a relationship have contrasting styles of humor, this can lead to fights over contrasting systems of values.

Also, note, that chameleons can be dangerous; for they can read your value system, and then begin to mimic it - even if they don't always agree with it.

k-------------------

just my two cents, mind you. Any thoughts, pro or con on this?

21 April 2018

 My financial straits worsen?

- $1 cash, $1 in bank, no credit cards

- $140 in SNAP (food stamps), renews mid-May

- one trip left on preloaded bus card

- prescriptions running low (refills might be free? ...or just $1 copay)

-several recurring bills coming up in two weeks (rent, health insurance, phone, past medical)

I’m grateful there will be a paycheck on Friday, but I strongly suspect that it’s already spent, and it won’t cover everything.

Part of me just wants to scream, another part wants to die, and another part has just become resigned to this futility of a life. I. Hate. This.

I guess this post is the scream. Now what?

20 April 2017

 Why must they criticize "my little black book"?

I want to play upon my toadstools and spiders, but they demand kittens and unicorns...

If I only wrote to myself, I doubt I'd take the time to write at all.

20 April 2017

 "God, grant that I may seek rather to . . . understand, than to be understood . . ."

...a billion voices all wanting to be heard, but forgetting to take the time to listen - myself, included... and the one voice I tune out the most is my own - so unaware, at times, of what I'm saying...

20 April 2019

 I'm feeling fairly miserable, tonight...

Hit by an evil headache at the Gaia Planet tourney, I had to withdraw. Find out two Excedrin could reduce it quickly...

On the bus ride home, though, having a hard time staying conscious. Came off as ambivalent about going to another group, and lost that opportunity.

Went to Schlotsky's, but it was not as tasty as I imagined it would be - mac and cheese was pretty burnt. Lost my ACC SL water bottle, there...

like a sequence of set-backs, making my mood more and more foul. going to attempt a nap, now. oh, yuck - the room's still kind of warm, because I have no fan, or circulation.

On my speaking in a meeting... - 19 April 2009

 Well, then.

I'd like to think aloud about the quality of my meeting shares, possibly looking for improvements.

I claim no formal training in speech, especially extemporaneous speaking. My brother was quite good at it, winning multiple awards in high school; but I focused on math, science, and Acting, if anything.

So, I don't know what some guidelines might be, for engaging a group of people. I imagine that good speech techniques involve:
- maintaining eye contact with different parts of the room;
- "punctuating" ideas with corresponding hand and/or body language;
- short, digestible statements without a lot of illustrating sub-statements;
- concrete examples linked to abstract ideas and theories;
- variation of pitch and pacing, for either dramatic or comedic effect;
- and healthy doses of humorous statements, without becoming offensive.

OK, but what about what one says or doesn't say in an AA meeting, or, back to the point, what have I been saying?

Sooo...
General aside:

Tradition 4 allows each group to suggest how its members participate, while Tradition 5 advises that the groups keep the conversations to alcoholism and recovery from it through the Steps. These, in turn, underpin most meeting formats and specializations.

I prefer meetings that either go through the literature, or are topic-based, drawing a topic from the literature. More than likely, this is because of the similarity to school, as I did pretty well in school. In addition, I'm bipolar, so if it's a free-for-all conversation, then I might rack up a "head full of random thoughts". I think the primary reason I emphasize the literature base is because that helps insure that we're honoring tradition 5.

...and, I don't know about you, but my main reason for going to AA is to find out about recovery. Hence, drunk-a-log meetings, and, more subtly, problem dumping aren't really helping me, as recovery is a rare beast in those...

I also am not a big fan of interruptive cross-talk, as I think that whoever's sharing should be allowed a small chunk of time to speak uninterrupted.

In a similar vein, I think there should be some structure as to who gets to share; otherwise, you might wind up with "the same 6 home-groupers dominating the meeting".

When I do go to "first-hand-up" sharing meetings, I've begun to force myself to a 3 to 10 second pause before I volunteer; as I think that allows the shy new-comer a better opportunity to share. I think it's very important that we give them a chance to speak, because verbalization can help immensely in crystallizing concepts.

Well, what're my points, then? Currently, I need a topic, I need a focus on solution, I need to know that I can speak uninterrupted, and I need to remember the meeting's not centered around me.

Now, then...
Let's focus on what I've been sharing lately. I'll be kind, and keep it to broad strokes.

Given a topic, my first thought is "so, what does that mean?" This leads to literary criticism at times; and/or attempts to connect the topic back to other points in the literature, to try to paint a big picture. Alternatively, I may find myself paraphrasing the quote. I guess these are attempts to see if I understand it correctly.

Early in sobriety, though, I got admonished by an old-timer who said, paraphrased, 'When you start to speak from your experience, then you'll start to share something worthwhile.'

So, I've been working on that over the last couple of years, trying to think, "What is my experience that's connected to this part of the literature?" when I'm sharing. Unfortunately, two things interfere with this line of thought:
- I do not like to repeat myself, as I do not want to become the old-timer sharing the same stories I've shared since I got sober,
- and, I still feel that my program needs a lot of improvement, as I've only half-heartedly done several of the Steps. (i.e. I can't honestly share on Step 10 based only on 1 or 2 attempts)

One thing I have to watch is feeling "compelled to share".

At the open discussion meetings I attend, this usually means some thought is bouncing around my brain, interfering with my ability to listen.

At the round-robin meetings I go to, I've noticed that I'll start sharing if it gets around to me - and I wonder if that's peer-pressure and/or fear based? Basically, am I afraid of losing status simply because I drew blanks on contributing something useful?

Of course, going ahead and sharing without a new point to add to the conversation is probably even more status damaging... I bet you that a lot of the people who are afraid of sharing at meetings are really more afraid of "appearing the fool".

Eh.

Something I do have better control of, when I use my tools, is the length of my shares. A habit I sometimes use is to jot down my thoughts on a scrap of paper when a topic is introduced, especially if I'm introducing it. This works amazingly well at keeping me organized and to the point. Basically, if I have time to prepare an outline of my speech, then I can better "weed the fluff out of the stuff". Unfortunately, I have not been using this practice much lately...

So, I ramble ("Really? You? Who'd a Thunk?")... This could be because I grew up in G/T programs where brainstorming was encouraged. This could be because the audience usually sits there, quiet as a mouse, and I'm probably seeking some form of audience par-ti-ci-pa-tion. Now, one of my college professors once made the comment, "Leaders are known for short statements, as adding qualifiers weakens their point". That being said...

Right now, I find myself rambling in my meeting shares, trying desperately to connect the dots between my experience and AA's 12 Step recovery program. To improve, I should resume taking the time to sketch what I want to say, and I should make more use of passing when I have nothing useful to say.

Then, of course, there's the larger picture about my speech in general, but I'll leave that for another day...