12 April 2018

 I took a nap at 8, now I'm wide awake, in the witching hour...

There's a tiny glimmer of hope, that something profound will flow from my fingertips; and yet, a macabre twist hijacks this thought, as a vision of amputated knuckles with blood rushing out tries to crowd out...

"A man came to us, bleeding profusely, early Wednesday morning. EMS made it to the scene, and I can only pray that his future will be more sane."

Have I ever been in a crime scene? Yes, actually... when I worked overnights at 7-Eleven... but it is not a story that I like to divulge. Granted, my co-worker was all over Facebook in the 24 hours after that night...

Some times, the surreality of life floors me. I just can't make sense out of the disconnected events. Stuff like the moon changed phases in the middle of the night, or hours disappeared in an instant, while standing in the waiting room of ASH. Perhaps it could be drugs administered, unseen?

Or being ghosted... or being cast aside, a week into relations... or the ice-cold shoulder when those relations tried to rekindle two years later... (or...or...or... "gently rowing down the stream!" - how relationships confuse me...)

There's a piece of me that wants to rage at modern-day romance. It's furious how everything's become corrupted, by a variety of forces... If you believe Hollywood, we should magically be married within an hour of the first date? Perhaps I am chastising the media for trying to accelerate a process that really should be taken slowly. It is far better to build a bedrock of trust, before you try to build, in bed, so many babies... could we claim rushed marriages are failing, because horrible differences only appear, after the ceremony?

Then, there's the dichotomy: we're fed this core gender role of how men should act by society and the media (like don't take no for an answer) and yet we have to reconcile it against women's realization that they don't want that role from all of the men around them (why won't this puppy pack just leave me alone?)... i'm reminded of sexual harassment cases built on the man failing to recognize and respect avoidance tactics.

So, what gets me here, is that I feel left in the cold. I say to myself, "Ok, I won't try to flirt with strangers, or compliment on appearances, or basically allow sexual attraction to get expressed in my behavior. I choose to no longer initiate.' What do I get, as a rewad? "Crickets." Is it wrong for me, to even "expect a reward"?

One could claim than men and women are biologically wired differently, regarding the frequency of sexual thoughts.... Or one could point at the double-standard in society - how men rewarded for being sexually active, while women are shamed for being sexually active.

Also, there's that sex drive, seeking to be slated. Most, but not all, people are led to believe that they should have sex (again, it could be more biological than social)... This is all find and dandy, if you have a socially accepted outlet - like a consenting heterosexual marriage. Yet, stray from that accepted norm, and the backlash of outrage rises quick.... So, on the one hand - a relentless sex drive; while on the other - trying to meet it within social norms.... (Not sure where that's going - perhaps a rant that's fizzling)

I just feel that I end up getting left in the cold, if I try to respect the anti-harassment sentiments by leaving sex-driven behaviors off the table. Basically, I have no indications that people are noticing my absence of behavior. (At least, that's how it feels, in my mind)

At which point, I've pretty much let off my steam, for tonight. Yes, I could have kept this all private in my journal... but I'm starving for feedback, y'all.... (which could spin into that whole other thread about lack of communications)...

1Donald Ellerbe

7 Comments

Share