2 April 2019

 I’m rough drafting this, so it may not be polished and perfect...

I cling to the familiar, yearning for the good old days; scaring old friends away?

(There comes a point in relationships where we see the individuality of others and some times, that shows how different we can be from each other... there also comes a point when we trust enough to be vulnerable, to show our weaknesses and yet the danger is that we become betrayed if the receiver is not ready to accept that...)

I yearn for the familiar, even after We’ve seen some of the uglier sides of each other... because I’ve developed patterns and routines for interacting with the familiar. (One possible answer to “Why does an abused partner stay in a relationship?”)

I dread rebuilding, time and time again, new circles of friends, as I move to new interests and new activities and new jobs and new organizations... I understand that creating the network builds the later support for “doing the thing”; but I get tired of discarding all that left my life through the process of focusing on the new stuff that enters...

Then, there’s that lingering fear that the new relationships will not be satisfying, that some base needs (for debate, for affection, for security...) will be unaddressed because they are not a shared interest.

In the end, I’m left drifting... from a small-town high school, to an honors dorm, to a co-op, then a halfway house, then an apartment, then s friend’s couch... racking up 25+ jobs of very short durations...

It is not as bad as the “military brat’s constant moves”... but it’s still so impermanent, so fleeting.

At which point, I see the allure of being bitter, of no longer trusting, of closing myself off; so that I won’t be hurt again... I see the allure, but I’m not sure that it is a good solution.