17 April 2017

 there's this low level anxiety

just eating away at my sanity

worried the president will trigger a world war

while he gleefullly cuts and slashes

his way through decades of regulations,

some good some out of date

god damn it, though, i think

they all want to reinvent the wheel

under some guise of one moral code?

i want environmental regulations,

yet i'm indifferent to sex conduct

and i hate to watch education

being sold to the cheapest dollar

i know not about finances

or immigrants despised

or little old ladies

losing money to live their lives

well, i know what internet memes

shout at every corner of the web,

all the fester, when not tied to... facts?

i despair, i lose hope,

i wallow in misery

because i can not see

how i can change the world:

does a phone call, or a march,

have any real impact -

do i have the energy to join in,

or is it just protesting too much?

so, there's that -

frustrations abound your government..

not mine! I voted for the Democrats.

...and i'm sure there's those out there

who would strip me five ways to Sunday

for playing in to the two-party system.

bringing it back to my hula hoop -

i want to be loved, cherished, and respected...?

i want to spend my evenings with friends,

telling about our days' adventures...

I want to date an elegant lady,

who doesn't write me off, for living in poverty...

I want to weigh 180..160..140..?

whatever weight eliminates this belly...

yet again, i feel imprisoned

by my present -

afraid to flirt,

because I don't want to harass;

yet feeling I will be overlooked,

never approached,

because i'm trying wo live outside the old mold

"a common refrain, going back to the 80's"

i can see it now,

being chastised and chided,

by some of my closest friends:

"Why don't you take the initiative?"

...and as I sink into a deep, dark oubliette,

my parting thought is still,

"No lady will reach out, directly,

Because they're fighting polite society..."

Oh, and because i'm fat,

And rather insane, more days than not,

And old and poor

and beating up on myself

for all the unattractive qualities

i'm weighing myself down with...

i'm this geek,

who was pushed into the stoner circle,

because he cut off a cop at a light

after deinking a 6-pack in 30 minutes...

I often think that my drinking and drugging arc

was cut short, way before I thought it was a problem

...and i'm a geek..

i like to play D&D and Euro games,

I enjoy reading in the sciences

and using public media

and i seem to miss the cues

that make conversation so effortless for y'all.

i'm told i don't need to base my happiness

on other people's opinions,

and i twist that up in my mind,

thinking I've just been told to be a hermit

(...and i wonder why friends and family never call...)

[perhaps because i'm lost in my electronics]