19 April 2018

 Took a nap, a couple of hours ago. Now, my mind doesn't want to sleep.

feeling a low buzz of anxiety, and a touch of hunger...

Lots of anxiety, swimming around, under the surface. Feeling worried about upcoming bills? ..or about my job prospects being very uncertain during the spring/summer semester break?

Despair is trying to pull me under, as it has in the past. It's whispering, "You have nothing to live for, so why do you keep living?", and the old refrain, "Stop being a drain on society."

It's very frustrating, to feel that life's become such a series of unmanageable hurdles. It's painful, to think I'm so disconnected, perhaps even exiled or shunned. I want to chalk that up to paranoia, yet I can't see good evidence that most people would like for me to be in their lives. No phone calls, emails, letters, social media comments, visits... and part of me suspects that I appear so impoverished, that they fear I may ask for support.

part of me suspects... that I dug a hole, in my grand poetry experiment. ...or through facebook posts sharing a bit too much?

part of me, on the unrevised drafts, would rather use "all or nothing statements" instead of teasing out the finer nuances of reality. Yes, there are people who interact with me. It's not a large set of people, and it's not 24/7 - but they are there...

part of my isolation is my own damn fault, because I personally don't prioritize reaching out to others in my daily activities, especially by phone calls or live visits. It's more out of ignorance than fear - most of the time, I'm just not thinking beyond the world in my personal sensory space. Yet, living in that small world has led to a small life.

Unfortunately, a small life does not seem to be capable of supporting my basic needs. At least, not in my current neighborhood, city, state, country, world... and there's another anxiety, predicting that humanity is quite readily turning the world into a place where humans can't live anymore - at least socially and ecologically.

yay. another rant in the middle of the night. ...and I'm predicting the comments will be sparse... (because Facebook is dying, because so many people unfollowed me and then forgot about me, or maybe just because the timing's not right...)

I will now attempt to sleep, hoping this has emptied my mind, for the moment.