6 April 2021

I just cooked a lot of food, watched some TV shows streamed by my room mate, and did my laundry... decent maintenance accomplishments, I guess?

Yet, The emptiness is crawling up inside me, still. I suspect it's a desire to be with people that I used to interact with on a regular basis (from various arenas of my past)... It's disheartening, because that loneliness wants to take me out - it wants to shake its fist at the world...

Perhaps it's a sign that I should just go to sleep. Perhaps it's an awareness that I feel isolated. I don't know, for sure; because I'm not a big fan of self-induced psycho-analysis.

Perhaps its regrets at good friends turning their backs on me over small words. Yet, they aren't so small that I would want to apologize and try to wipe the words away with pleasantries.

I also recall a three-vector scale, measuring degrees of personality traits that are often considered misanthropic. Not enough to go looking for it, mind you, as my cold bed is calling... But enough to consider that I might be a bit narcissistic; and yet, a lot of my addict friends may be just as much narcissistic, or more...

Just a fancy word for selfish and self-centered? "My agenda is the only correct one, and here are the ways I will try to minimize your inputs..."

...and I know that I should be more pro-active about initiating contacts.. Yet I also know that I rarely think of others who are outside my immediate environment. I also know that I carry a lot of fear around "interrupting someone accidently when I try to reach out"... Oh, and the other fear, of using the wrong channels to communicate, because I'm not hip to what people expect, these days...

Yay. another long monologue.

Fuck... I hate that most everyone coupled up and is tied up, dealing with their family lives, now.

I hate that I'm aging past life milestones without achieving them, and that's telling my brain how much of a failure I must appear to be, to the world, at large...

I hate being poor, and all the stigma that comes with it. I hate being bipolar, or just lumped in with the mentally ill, and all the eggshells that creates around me.

Eventually, this train of thoughts keeps taking back to that point where I honestly feel that my life is not worth living...

...and I can't see a nice escape route - especially when I see so many other people, heading down the same tracks.

I wish we cared enough about ourselves and our planet so that we could see an alternative developing to the "bleak end times of over-pollution, climate change, and mass extinction".

I wish I hadn't reached that point, where I've given up on my future, so that I could be more of a solution than of a problem, to that bleak end above.

(...probably just a tip of the iceberg. Yet so much more than what might make it out in a conversation in the walking world...)