25 April 2020

 Honestly, I just want my mind to return to some sort of sleep...

However, it snapped awake, half an hour ago, at 2 a.m. - after 2 hours of sleep.

Part of me would be willing to get into a rambling conversation - possibly online - while the rest of me puts up all sorts of excuses to avoid such a conversation. "I don't want to wake somebody else" "I don't want to talk for so long that it prevents useful sleep over the rest of the night" ...

"I feel like my conversation is undesired, that my topics would be 'unstimulating' or 'psychosis-based'. ...said another way, I'm wary of discussing current hot topics...

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In a greater arc, perhaps I'm tired of wallowing in the shallow end of the pool. It can be tough, waiting for replies that may not ever be written. There's a point where the fandoms and the cats and the dinner pics all begin to feel like flipping through the old family vacation photo albums. There's another path, where people try to one-up each others' "socially woke" treatises, and, in the process, show how mean they can still be to each other.

I just want remind everyone how flaws can creep in to communication as we peel away the human-to-human connection: video conferencing, audio calls, texting, social media all chip away at our ability to empathize. One-sided conversations - such as books, magazines, TVs, movies, and more - can do a fair job of preserving the message; but those tend to be one source broadcasting, with very little feedback shaping future broadcasts...

...and so I broadcast, to dodge an online debate. ...or I share in AA meetings, to avoid cross-ralk. ...or I tutor, to speak on those topics, where I believe I'm qualified.

Although I do enjoy a chaotic, rambling conversation; I often find myself lost in the crowd, when too many are involved. It's not a new issue, and it's dogged me through my adult life. (and probably my childhood, too, but I wasn't as acutely aware of it, then)

Part of wants to spark a conversation, possibly on some touchy topics. Another part does not want to deal with the fallout, should the conversation turn sour. It's hard for me to understand why people would push others out of their lives; yet I'm beginning to get a better picture of how harmful some of OUR ideas can be to others. Also, it's frustrating when another's views do not seem to align with how I perceive reality (or vice versa) - ultimately, gravity still operates so I'm not planning on skydiving without a parachute (or, "you can demand your freedom, but I'm going to maintain my quarantine")

but I digress. I recognize there's some fear that I have around "posting anything and everything". I recognize that some posts are easily misinterpreted, especially if they were posted as sarcasm. yadda yadda yadda... it would behoove me to reconsider "the Four Agreements" ....even though I yearn to talk with others, the cacophony of conversations the creates may be counter-productive: I can't hear myself because I'm at a party or a concert....

spinning still... trying to wear myself out... trying to stream out, but still feeling quite blocked by the medium's constraints...