23 April 2019

 I was officially diagnosed as bipolar in August of '96; although I didn't really grasp how it applied to my thinking...

I was asked to leave the co-ops for "uncooperative behavior" when I got out of the hospital in September. Understandable, to some degree, as the co-ops are not caregivers, and are not expected to treat mentally ill residents back to sanity. (I had seen similar situations happen with other individuals in the four years that I lived in the co-ops...)

When we're mentally ill, we are quite likely to act irrationally and unpredictably... and most people do not have good social tools for dealing with this erratic behavior. Probably more so, if we have had stretches of sane clarity in our past.

From there, I roomed with a good college friend, in the fall; then with an older high school classmate for about a year; and I asked to move back into the co-ops, having a semblance of sanity, again. Yet, probably starting in November of '96, I began to become very frustrated with my life circumstances, and began considering several methods of suicide, when I was by myself. As an example, I practiced cutting on my arm with my Swiss army knife, without actually breaking the skin...

It was not until October of 1998 before I actually attempted suicide - ironically, by overdosing on my psychiatric medications. I do not how much of it was wrapped up in poor self-image and how much the poor situational triggers contributed to the decision.... but the decision had come to me that "I was wasting resources, and the world should not have to support me, further"...

Some of the situational stuff going on: my third girlfriend had broken up with me in the summer before, i was now working as a secretary instead of a tutor, i was running out of money with two weeks left before I would be paid again, ...

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With that background in mind, I look at the suicidal thoughts bubbling up over the last 2-5 years; and I worry a little that some combination of catastrophes might push me over the edge, like they did in October of '98. I worry that I'll be dragged under by poverty and loneliness, and blocked from seeing what value my life has in the world.

some might call this selfish: "that the fear of my personal pain may prevent me from seeing the pain that I could cause others" (using suicide as a way to escape future pains)

I do not know if there are quick fixes to all of the situational triggers - some might joke that "those are just part of living life and growing up"... others might claim that I'm becoming more aware of self-care opportunities. I do not know if there is a magic pill that could suppress the suicidal option; but there are certainly pills that can turn me into a drooling zombie (the ones used to overdose on were in that category)...

Some of it could just be, "learning to be satisfied with where I'm at, right here, right now..." or making the adjustments to get to that point...

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