31 March 2020

I do not want to attempt sleep.

There's a fear that, by drinking iced tea throughout the day, my brain has been soaking in caffeine, and has forgotten...?

I see a resentment, too - that desire that my friends and family would interact with me more directly, one on one or maybe in a small group. It's been nipping on my heels - that resentment - for at least two years now; but, for the love of Mike, why, oh why do I not initiate those contacts? Maybe I'm projecting a low value of myself onto others - thinking that they would not welcome my company, because I'm not just not interesting or cool enough to be worth the time and energy for such company. But, that digresses...

I want to create an attractive post. One that engages others. One that shows off some of my talents...

and yet - poor self-image - what talents could easily be lobbed onto the Facebook wall? ...and why do I have this whole dependence on Facebook, to begin with?

this is probably not an attractive post. Sure, popular psychology claims that men need to be more open about their feelings... Yet, I see that most of the world, for whatever reasons, does not want to deal with situations that are NOT positive and uplifting. We want the heroes to win, we want morality or karma to prevail....

Is that how we measure success? By how well our reality compares with popular stories?

I have to tutor a high schooler in 7 hours, online. If I stay up much later, I would probably be doing him a disservice. Plus, I have to figure out how ACC's tutoring is going to play out. So, I don't know what was worthwhile - maybe just the writing helped bring on my yawns.

Have a good night, all, and wash your hands!

30 March 2012

 I've noticed that I tend to be **really** quiet in informal, live conversations with 2 or more other people...

One-on-one, online, or more formal settings, I'll talk A LOT..

I still haven't figured out why this is, but I strongly suspect that I need to take more time than others as I search for the right phrasing..? You know, I don't want to jump right in with my first response, or I just wait too long to speak and one of the other people is already talking...

Part of me would also chalk this up as the "Introvert's Curse in Groups"

30 March 2012

 Underneath most humor lies some harm...

29 March 2020

 'm just passively soaking up various stimuli,

Not even trying to assign words or meaning:

- Tutoring a couple of students, around the country, online;

- The room mate(s) have been binge watching Game of Thrones;

- There's probably two weeks of food, but not much variety?

(my, how I miss a rainbow meal of fresh fruits and veggies)

- Zooming AA meetings online - (it's neat, but feels hollow?)

- So much eating, so much sleeping...

- and a plethora of turn-based games, played on board game arena

Yet, with large chunks of time to juggle,

I find myself... procrastinating...

I don't want to sift through old papers and old mails.

I don't want to suggest test revisions.

I don't want to finish postering my walls.

I don't want to physical stretches and exercises, at home.

I don't want to learn the LaTex formatting language, for neat math.

Actually, there's some degree of me that does want to do all of that, and much more (like calling friends on the phone)... but the spectre of fear still lurks in the shadows, I suppose? Like most of the delay is because I'm prioritizing other things poorly. The fear is there that my income is once again less than my expenses, so I'm scrambling with online tutoring; and I'm buying the rainbow at the grocery store... (and also, it's easy to wear myself out, with such a plethora of mental activities)

Perhaps I'm in passive reception mode, because my brain shut off after hours of games and tutoring? Or, maybe physical health is not so great...

In any case, I think I'm surviving the Covid-19 Quarantine. I just wish there were more phone calls being made (both from me and to me)...

28 March 2013

 Deconstructing depression:

First, there's situational depression and then there's clinical depression.

In situational, the depression tends to follow one or more traumatic or stressful life events, like a death in the family or a hostile work environment - in essence, we are put in a place of emotional pain and our brain is trying to react by withdrawing or shutting down.

With clinical depression, it's a little more insidious, because we can't always pinpoint it to stressors. On the outside, things could appear to be good and stable... And yet the brain is still trying to shut down and withdraw. Most probably, this is caused by chemical imbalances or cyclical swings in brain activity. Like, the brain has become deprived of essential chemicals for normal neural functioning (poor nutrition, drug abuse, natural depletion through a period of high activity...), and it is now reacting with difficulties in neural firings (and hence, it's hard to connect thoughts)

Depression(s) can be characterized by

- difficulty completing thoughts

- reduced physical activity

- abnormal sleep patterns

- change in diet

- poor concentration

- feelings of hopelessness

- irritability and anger

- suicidal thoughts and planning

....and probably much more

I am not a doctor, though, so I would encourage people to look at the DSM-IV or later, to see what the medically accepted symptoms are...

28 March 2014

 I'm tossing around a hypothesis that:

"Women aren't attracted to nice guys because they're (sub-consciously) predicting the guys won't be aggressive enough to defend the family against future threats and/or the guys won't be able to sternly discipline errant children."

Maybe said another way:

"Being nice can be interpreted as a weakness, or as a submissive behavior, while being aggressive is interpreted as dominant behavior."

...now, I can't quote you studies that back this up, but that's why it's still just a hypothesis.

Then again, aggression may not be the only opposite of nice - confidence could be lurking in this, too...

This bubbled around my brain a little bit, this morning, probably sparked by a casual conversation with

Donna Schwandt

yesterday...

28 March 2018

 There's a devil inside of me that just wants to put thoughts into words, without giving a damn about how they may be perceived... or consideration of how the underlying ideas might distort and misrepresent the truth. "First drafts and first ideas are good enough..."

Yet, I do not want to speak on people, places, or things that I know not of. I do not try to follow my government's actions actively (some would chide me, saying "you should!") - mostly because I minimize what impact I can affect upon the government. (it's difficult for me to believe that I am a tipping point when it comes to the laws of large numbers... but then if i phrase my stance well enough perhaps it could propagate along my contact networks)

even with close friends, i do not want to assign views to them. perhaps if i enough direct communications to support such assignations... but i think it borders on gossiping?

so. i get trapped in a strange ignorance, both blissful and painful. i do not want to hazard guesses on thoughts outside of my experience. i do not want to teach on a subject i have not studied (although so much stuff is intertwined and cross-disciplinary, these days)

and, information anxiety looms! I feel a fool because i have not chased the latest pop culture, or kept abreast of science's cutting edge(s), or just participated in society...

as i shiver in my bed, alone, while trying to sleep... as i fear the phone and the impropriety of calling, out of the blue... as i see connections unravel from lack of attention - a fear of dying alone, unnoticed that I'm gone; of vanishing also looms. a horrible vision of falling (either real or figuratively) and being unable to get up unaided because no one is around anymore who would offer aid...

In the 90's, I questioned the relevance of "small talk". But it's much better than "no talk".

some might say, "read a book, or watch the tv, if you so desperately need company! (or pray)" others would have that I go and push myself upon people, practically forcing them to have my help. ...or, "get out of your shell/bubble, go and see what the world has to offer!" Then again, as an introvert, I have some aversion to casual conversations and company??

it's a complaint, then. or a question? "As I get older, am I becoming more and isolated? If so, why? Or is it just present circumstance?"

as we surround ourselves with distraction, like entertainment, and social media - tv's, movies, radios, and smart phones - more and more specific cliques that we want to retreat into (bubbles)... are we creating such specific nests, that no one fits in the same tree, any longer?

i fear this will vanish into vapors - a first draft just hurriedly scrawled, with untested, uncertain hypotheses... although some ideas i see echoing prior writings... but, "if i blame it on bipolar's half-finished fences", this will not be revised or tested by me; and it will be lost in a week or two, as we all tread the relentless flood of information.

28 March 2020

 I feel my mind tugging at me, trying to write for dramatic effect. That's the part of me that wants to follow the corona crowd, who "wants to fit in through sharing on our common peril".

Honestly, that writing would be a bit of a lie.

I can't shake the feeling that this is just par for the course, considering my adult life. It's certainly not the worst personal crisis that I've faced; because my rent's still caught up, and I'm still getting paychecks from my job. Sure, the isolation can be daunting at times; but a lot of the last five years has felt fairly isolating.

There is some concern for my friends and family (and even enemies), as I don't think death (or even discomfort) frrom disease is NOT a pleasant way to experience life.

I do have concerns about our economy tanking, but that's mostly worry over mushrooming prices. Even then, we have 2008 as a benchmark?

A pandemic does not feel like a deadly threat. Yet, I am deceived because our adversary is effectively invisible, invasive, and unintelligent.

back to sleep... brain not focusing.

27 March 2020

 My overall feeling is numbness.

If I were to theorize, I might chalk that up to being in "fight or flight" - like my body is blocking emotional response, because it senses a crisis at hand?

Or maybe it's the denial stage of grief?

I don't know.

I'm just plodding through the current state of affairs by putting my trust that whatever outcome happens, the universe won't shut off. Yes, there might be fewer people in it from this pandemic. On a longer range, climate change may make the Earth fairly inhospitable.

whatever... "doom and gloom"...

In a crisis, just set aside the fear and the worry, and try my best to follow the lead of the experts. Steer a course, and adjust for the icebergs...

does that make sense?

26 March 2015

 There is a cultural fear, about soulless machines... I suspect it's stronglyd coupled with the fear that humanity will be perceived as the greatest threat to the rest of the world's life.

Or perhaps that machines will perceive humans as a danger to the machine's existence.

Alternatively, maybe machines won't be able to understand the consequences of their actions... So, would it be a wise idea to give them control over our water, electricity, and other resources

26 March 2015

 Why?

Why do I not take a public stand on some issues?

Why do I fear backlash?

I suspect I do not ally myself, because the issues in question do not directly affect me... Or I fear being mis-labeled?

26 March 2018

 i have a lot of my anxiety in my life - some of my own making, some due to the actions of others. it can lead to destructive thinking, including suicidal ideations, money mis-management, and addictive patterns in the activities i pursue.

i know i've written on this, here, in the past. i don't know if there's an easy solution, like a medicine i can take or a therapy format that i can use - i believe holistic approaches work better.

if i could just dismiss the destructive thoughts, it would be great. yet, based on experience, they seem to return, again and again. i'm worried that one day, i'll fully succumb to them, in a fit of irrationality; especially since i've already attempted suicide back in 1998, when under similar circumstances.

i doubt this note will be received well, by everyone. mostly, i write it to try to prevent the behaviors and thoughts from gaining a stronger foothold in my mind.

i'm off to sleep, now, hoping for a good rest. may the morning find both you and i doing well...

26 March 2019

 I want to write profound things, tonight...

Yet, honestly, I am terribly confused in my brain, and I question if I'm still (or ever was) sane.

I do not understand my present life circumstances; and I do not know what parts of my character and motives have interacted to land me here. I fear trying to compare my life with others, because, when I try, I always paint myself as a horrible failure... and that tears me up, inside.

I know I've said it, many times before, that I consider suicide, seriously, as a way of "gracefully exiting" before I waste any more resources. There's another part of me that hates the fact that my mind is willing to offer that as a solution to my woes. I still try to take medications to curb those thoughts. Early on in my bipolar diagnosis, I took different medications that effectively made me a zombie; but they also made it nearly impossible to perform my work duties, as a tutor, too. Ironically, the zombie medications (Depakote) were the prescription I tried to overdose on, when I did attempt suicide. To be fair, though, I had not been taking Depakote, consistently, before the suicide attempt.

This world feels terribly oppressive, even in 21st century America. There does not seem to be any easy paths to success for myself and many more people. Even the formula touted by the Baby Boomers of "Get a college degree, work in a long-term high-paying career gained with that degree, and retire on the benefits package earned at that job" - it just does not seem to sync up with the reality going on out there that my generation and the millenials are facing. (Honestly, I would argue that we are reaching the point where the average person does not have to be a wage slave, because most basic needs can be met through high degrees of automation and machinization. Just consider the advantage to HEB of the self-checkout line.)

Or, another measure of success would seem to be a strong romantic relationship that possibly leads to rearing children. What do you do, though, if either you come off as unattractive (or threatening) or you are unaware of subtle signals of attraction? Even, though, we are conditioned towards having romance; the painful truth is that the entire population is not capable of gaining healthy romances. (Some people deal with childhood drama/trauma, some people are deemed unattractive or crazy, some people do not make romances a priority but still get judged for being single...) [One way that I've been told that I was threatening was because that girlfriend thought that I was too smart for her conversations... One threatening characteristic in women can be height - a lot of men are scared of dating women taller than them]

When I'm out with friends and associates, I can beat back a lot of the fears of being a failure. However, when I'm alone, and when I'm broke, and probably more... I just get torn up at how little my life looks like the "normal lives" presented by the media. I can imagine people crying, "Don't make the comparison!" ...I guess my retort is that it's rather hard to ignore the "normal life" when I'm surrounded by it in the big city and all of its media outlets. What's worse, though, is that the media is not the only promoter, because lots of people are trying to "emulate the normal lives" and they are fairly good at doing so...

With social media, we have the extra layer of bubbles. Not only do we see lives tailored to our interests, through our friends and our AI filtered ads; but, if we are not careful, we start losing sight of the alternative lifestyles that don't agree with our bubble. Put another way, we don't see the outliers? Or, we do not see, as much, that our tailored life goal may only be one of many possible goals that are out there? {I'm reminded of seeing a lot of Burner-driven comments on an earlier post, tonight, for someone who has been involved in Burning Man; and I do not recall any alternative solutions that jumped out on that thread...)

...and, once again, i just want to fucking kill myself, and be done with this life, for once and for all.... fucking frustration is such a bitch...

i want to fall back on the catch-phrase, "Now, I've lost my train of thought" but, to recall the start, "I didn't really have an organized train, to begin with."

i want to stop obsessing and returning to how mundane and spartan and poor that my life has become. i want to have solid conversations with people, without the interference of electronics. i really want to trade massages and cuddle and such, but the prospects for that feel very bleak. i want the time, money, and mobility to be able to comfort my hurting friends - yet those three never seem to come together. i want to be able to be there for my nuclear family, as they go through milestone celebrations - yet, again: finding time, money, and mobility.

i want to be able to speak my mind, freely, and not end up being judged or punished for doing so - please do not tie your actions to my words. if we can not have free discourse, then we are just as isolated as when we were strangers...

"train jumped its tracks, again" I think that last paragraph is a sore sticky point, caused by past conversations. But, then, Facebook and texting are not genuine conversation tools, so...

it's 2 a.m. i need to attempt sleep. i still want to die, though. maybe, i just want to surrender? maybe i want to restore my faith, that, some how , some way, "Everything will turn out all right...."

maybe I just want to let Tom Waits croon off of the laptop, while I gently cry myself to unconsciousness? I hope the tears on my pillow won't awaken me, in an hour or two...

26 March 2019

 I keep trying to think of something useful and worthwhile to type; yet my mind keeps trying to paint me as the martyr who died on his pity pot.

I want to be with other people. Not so much to gather attention, but more to avoid being alone with myself. Or, maybe, I want to believe that I am not some invisible phantom, never thought upon when not in your face.

maybe i'm being melodramatic...

what i might consider great achievements, others consider to be ordinary facts of life...?

and i question my language - is it too harsh or critical? does it make complex work of simple subjects? am i shunned because i do not speak like they do...?

now, i'm stopping, hoping a nap may put me in better spirits.

25 March 2019

 Been pondering what story I might be telling myself, over the past 30 years... It was brought up today as a therapy tool...

Example: Some people claim that one or both parents always hated them, and that this perspective was transferred onto other people: "Because my mom hated me, then no one else could possibly love me, either."

One thing I thought about, briefly, was the idea person voted "Most Likely to Succeed" in high school is doomed to fail in adult life. (Basically, the life schools that they used in high school to succeed there were abyssmal for achieving success outside of school.) I have it in my mind that this scenario is commonly used in lots of movies; especially when there may be a 20 or 50 year class reunion in that movie's script.

Yes, I was voted Most Likely to Succeed by my class. ...and yes, when I consider the chain of events in the nearly 30 years since graduating, I want to scream to the stars how much of a failure that I seem to be..

In a similar vein, I have this "second-place finish" story that I catch myself playing in. Sure, I might have made it to the UIL state level competition, for multiple years in science and one year in number sense... but I did not finish those events in first place. Sure, I might have graduated Salutatorian... but that didn't earn me the Texas Valedictorian's Scholarship. Those are probably extreme examples, but, to me, the "second-place finish" plays out along the theme that "Sure, I can do good work, but it's not the best, and therefor, I will not get any reward or notice for it." (Yes, I could probably be a decent romantic partner; but I fall short of the Hollywood picture [or i'm not sexy enough, mysterious enough, physically fit enough] so I'll be constantly passed over while my romantic interests chase after their "One") ...this could also be couched as "I'm just average, so nobody will pay attention to what I can do, because there's supposedly "better than average" out there...

At which point, I can picture people saying "push yourself harder" or "focus on the task at hand"... or trying to refute the story with claims that they do notice what i do. That might all be great or true statements, and they might be a way to try to diffuse the story... yet I still catch myself trying to use this story to rationalize my thinking.

Hell, I still try to fit both mine and others' lives into neatly packed stories... because people like to make connections and make conclusions of events, in the hope that it will make the world make sense to them. ...and a lot of the times, those connections are strong enough to have predictive value?

Why should I try to interpret my dreams? Why should I believe astrology and all of its' open-ended statements? Why should I throw out science, when, with practice, it got us to the Moon? Why should I believe the strange practices of psychologists? Why do Greek and Norse myths still get air time in the 20th century? [spinning]

Or... there are scripts that we use daily in our interactions, especially with strangers, that help smooth our passage through the day. Some people claim they were never taught how to live, which could be true, in various degrees... Yet, when a random stranger asks, "How are you?", most of the time, you will reflexively answer "Fine." even if you may not be... the more familiar you are with the person, the better chance that you may trust them enough to give them an answer other than "Fine".

[still spinning.... getting distracted by side tasks... posting

24 March 2020

 One theory: "The communications I receive are echos of the communications I give."

24 March 2020

 I am acutely aware of how alone I feel, at this moment...

...and I can't easily imagine anyone I want to interact with, to try to counteract it. (I guess I'm retreating, and talking to Facebook, en masse.)

There's this underlying fear that people will dismiss me as imagining the whole situation - me, getting a gaslighting response. There's another fear that I will be chastised for not taking more opportunities to reach out to others. There's this hurt pride underneath, telling me, "Maybe you aren't esteemed enough by others to warrant their attention."

Maybe, I really am uninteresting, unentertaining, and all around boring.

at which point, I think, "I just need to disconnect from online communities, for a bit. I should get back to cleaning up my room."

24 March 2020

 Thinking about the elementary age child, bringing up their stick figure drawing, and their parents put it on the fridge...

Versus the child who's parents are too self-absorbed to notice the drawing - possibly because they're workaholics or addicts or fighting extreme poverty...

...I want to yell at the crowd, "LOOK AT WHAT I DREW!!", as tears of anger and frustration burn down my cheeks...

Who was I talking to, when the room was simply cold and empty?

---------

Note: my real life parents are quite proud of many of my accomplishments; and the contrasted families is just trying to draw up an image.

Note 2: Like a true procastinator, I have not actually made anything. Perhaps that's an underlying cause for my lack of notoriety...

24 March 2020

 (This is not in response to "just the Corona Crisis")

My observation, from various media messages:

"Men need to be more open and honest with their feelings and emotions, in public."

______________________

Queue up my various attempts, over the years - "usually in my safe space of Facebook"...

Watch as all sorts of reactions unfold, and all sorts of hurt feelings from my counter-reactions...

______________________

My impressions, based on the above:

1) Men really are not allowed to get irrational or emotional, in public

2) I have to be aware of the white male privilege, that creates my knee-jerk reactions to argue every point, instead of gracefully accepting help.

3) It's real easy to alienate somebody, by revealing how different your inner minds work.

4) People (myself included) have a difficult time when others act against their expectations of how we should act, talk, or otherwise navigate societal mores...

23 March 2017

 I want to craft a "copy and paste" about an issue, where I get up on a soapbox and preach about an issue that most people don't tend to talk about. Does that sum up the general gist of these "copy and paste" messages?

Be sure to "copy and paste" this message instead of sharing it, so that we get the largest audience for this pressing issue of our times...

(...or not )

22 March 2020

 This is my impression, mind you, so take it with a grain of salt.

Back in the 80's, when I was a teen, I could just hop over to a neighbor's house and have some quick company. Most of my friends were school mates, within one grade level of me. Cable was just beginning to debut, and there was no streaming - closest thing to it was a video rental store.

Then come the 90's - now, my circle of friends are a mix of class mates at the university, some co-workers, maybe a student or two that I tutored. The high school friends were fading away. There were some attempts at long-distance letter writing. For me, there was also a heavy influence from my living situations: friends made on the dorm hall, or living in the co-ops. Cable TV was blossoming into hundreds of channels and I decided to watch less of it.

Next, are the 00's... Trying to live first in an apartment by myself and trying to live in sober living. Age was beginning to separate me from my classmate friends. It was super important to be doing neighborly drop-ins because I felt soooo isolated in the rest of my life. My drinking was speeding up, and then arrested. I found some solace in AA groups, usually hanging out after the meetings with the smokers. I had pretty much abandoned TV by now, but I was just beginning to use a cell phone.

By the 10's... I had stepped into Facebook, I no longer was in school and I had a string of lost jobs. I did quit smoking, but that pretty much distanced me from the majority of "AA socializing". So, technology was encroaching with so much media; and yet the real world connections felt almost minimal at best. Living in sober living for years just showed me that very few people live there for more than 6 months.

Is there a point or moral? I don't know. Maybe it just feels like I got further and further isolated by societal structures, as I grew older. Perhaps, it could have been arrested by marrying and starting my own family. Perhaps it's unique to my life path, and others don't have these growing pains.

In some ways, the isolation tactics makes this social distancing seem fairly easy. In other ways, In other regards, I just don't feel special to anyone, anymore. Perhaps that's a feeble cry for attention.... and now i'm just getting on a morose pity pot.

20 March 2011

 One of the takeaways from SXSW, specifically the panel on over-sharing: It would be nice to 'control our audience', to be able to decide who we share sensitive information with...

Of course, it would also be nice to be completely transparent... but some information, in the hands of 'strangers', can be abused and can provoke unfounded attacks.

"When I lost my mind..." : 19 March 2017

 "Ah... fun gaming memories..."

You know things just went from bad to worse when the DM asks to borrow some d10's - mind flayer crit hit - "Shluuuuurp!"

18 March 2011

 "I keep looking at that bottle's label, and thinking it's a name tag, saying your name is Angelina Jolie."

...and then twisting columns of multiple tornadoes, interwoven with lightning rip through the restaurant.

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  Jody Bean

  .....aaaand I'm up. Yep, this is some of the crazy dreams that MY mind can come up with.

16 March 2011

 What's this wonderful activity that I hear of, where your imagination is let loose in the inner worlds of your mind...?

I think it starts with a D...

16 March 2020

 some times i feel like number seven - so plain and ordinary, with no special abilities to call my own...

usually, those are the mundane days, when I worked and ate and slept... and had practically no interesting interactions with human creativity.

part of me wish that I had several weeks of Sunday comics to splice together, right now... to create one of my meandering comic stories. another part realizes that it is 1:51 a.m.; and I really should attempt to get some sleep before the alarm pulls me back into this mundane crawling...

i hope the dreams are interesting, tonight. moreover, i hope i remember my dreams, tonight. it would be nice to interpret some dreams, again...

it would be nice to be given an interesting coat, too; but the silver south by southwest rain slicker is not a bad coat to wear, either.

13 March 2019

 I want to appear all poetic about this, thinking it would conceal the harsh truth. My mind tangos with self-harm, because it feels that I have not risen to my standard of success, or even just plain survival, that it's been told to aspire to. The spectator segment of my mind keeps seeing that dance, and tries screaming to the screen, claiming "I need help!" or "I need validation!"

...my attempts to be rescued from my sicker self...?

yet, I lash out instead of gently accepting help. still not entirely sure why, but i think it's the intervening mask? the part of me that critiques your help as "only trying to feed the aspirations that got me stuck in this predicament to begin with" i refuse to believe that our media-driven models of success are even healthy to begin with... healthy for ourselves, our neighbors, our planet

...and i'm only grasping shadows of why being so vocal about all of this is ultimately leading to more self-harm? yes, the computer screen is insensitive. yes, the megaphone bolsters our fears that we may be seen as incorrect and makes us fight all the harder to hammer our view into the conversation. (I think I'm hinting here at something I read once about conversations in public, compared to conversations in private...) also, the support falls off quickly, when not followed? (People being like, "we tried to help out. you didn't follow our advice. why should we get burned twice?")

this could be seen as wall-building and excuse-making and hedging, perhaps - not as direct, simple statements... but i do not want to commit to statements with finality, like "I'm going to kill myself, today" or "I will accept your advice without question" or any other cookie-cutter solutions...

because my mind is conflicted, at war with itself.

and i see so little evidence that anyone wants to fight with me.

...and, in despair, I feel like just another casualty of this world's wars...