31 July 2020

 The sources of my mental anguish elude me. I can tell that I've been troubled for the last 24 hours, and I suspect that a lot of that is rooted in lack of conversation(s)... but I don't know what conversations I want, or where.

It feels like more sections of my past have been sealed off, that I'm no longer in the centers of attention for so many people who I used to be friends with - like an army brat constantly moving from town to town.

I am glad that i can usually enjoy my own company, that I don't think poorly of myself or my skills. Still, would all that go to waste, if there's never anyone to share our lives with?

30 July 2009

 jumps to the punch line: "Silly Rabbi! Kicks are for Trids..."

30 July 2020

 I thought that I would get in my bed at 10 - maybe an hour or two early compared to my typical bed times - and I would be off to sleep in mere minutes...

...so, I write this at 12:19...

...what has my mind riled up?

...drinking too much caffeine?

...too many failed mini-naps across the 24 hours last seen?

...crazy greasy barbeque at lunch, or barely a dinner eaten?

...or, more insidious, the letters that have been written, with replies yet to be seen?

...probably too many disruptions to my routine.

Fallback and mumble under my breath: "Get on the SMEDMERTS, Bean"

(SMEDMERTS first coined by Ellen Forney, and heard in her youtube video)

29 July 2012

 The one-month reminder:

I'll be turning 40 on August 29th.

...I'll try to post planning details later, but you can also find them in the 2-month reminder post from June 29th..

29 July 2013

 I am going to relax my "vow" for the next 7 minutes... Then, that would give me one month, by date, to try to stick to it, leading up to my birthday. So, 6 minutes from now, I will try to refrain from using the like or share buttons here... although I will still comment happily. Mwa Ha HA.. ha..?

29 July 2017

 OK... So my birthday falls on Tuesday, August 29th.

I think South Austin Game Night will be having their regular board game night at Tribe Comics and Games from 7 pm - 11 pm, while Waterloo Ice House at Southpark Meadows Shopping Center might still be doing their late night game nights from 10 pm to 2 am.

I'm still feeling out what I might go to, but I will bring some of my games and possibly some fancy cooks, as cake can get messy. Any one who's been to prior birthday game days knows I rather enjoy carrot cake... so mini carrot cake bites won't be turne away, and depending on funds, might even be brought by me.

In case you're wondering, this year I will be turning 45.

28 July 2012

 Right now, I hate my mind.

Thankfully, I don't have a gun, I'm afraid of the pain of cutting on myself, I'm suspicious taking two months worth of Zyprexia would just land me on dialysis...

Being bipolar has its drawbacks.

28 July 2018

 There are times when I wonder how I am perceived and received by others...

27 July 2013

 Challenge: Create a two-sentence horror story...

"I can't think of anything horrifying, as my brain thinks everything's normal, in light of my past experiences. It's interesting how normal changes, when one changes perspective."

(Could probably go through some reworking and edits...?)

26 July 2009

 mis-quotes, "Am I to be consigned to a life that's gupid, blum, and storing?" (actually, I'm off to see roller girls in a roller derby tonight - "fun! fun!" ...although I'm saddened to be missing Chris Toast at Roadhouse Rags... )

26 July 2010

 Am I afraid of causing offense, and being hurt in retaliation? ..or am I attempting to be respectful, and trying to practice right speech? Honestly, I think it's a confusing mix of the two.. (especially with regards to flirtations/approaches, but also when caught up in a controversial conversation, e.g. politics)

26 July 2013

 Taking a cue from Buddhist Boot Camp:

"...what is really important...?"

To predict..? To create..? To interpret..? To model..?

What was the appeal underlying studying math? Why do I enjoy science? ...and yet, there's an artist inside of me who wants to write, draw, act, and make music; because I'm drawn to the fantastical, too - and sometimes, art does NOT imitate reality.

I was thinking about this (a touch) when I revived my case at DARS. I would love to write, or at least, I've enjoyed some of the writing I've done in the past. Perhaps one career path is to become a textbook writer, or a popular science writer. Then again, it could be interesting to critique food and entertainment. Heck - who's to say I can't do both...

I have a voice. I want to shout from the mountaintops, and whisper in the valleys, that I may be a channel for my and others' meager understanding(s) of this great big universe. That, I think, is the appeal of teaching; and yet I detest having to constrict myself to a set of standards like the TEKS.

Note to the reader: This is a first draft, and may not be grammatically correct, or even well-organized; as I'm writing on the fly and partially streaming my conscious thoughts. A weakness and a strength, perhaps?

So, I have enjoyed tutoring immensely, although I don't think tutoring or teaching are high-profit fields, monetarily. I did not enjoy admin/clerical work, thus far, as it seemed to be so much rote document production without creative outlets. I liked writing for the Wylie News, and I've liked writing on topics that interest me... however, still not sure how to impose the discipline to even become 1/100th as successful as Asimov or Bradbury.

I wonder who might have ideas about a career in writing and/or teaching? I'll tag my first suspects...

26 July 2013

 "What would you like to do with your life, Mr. Bean?"

(question lingers in my brain, after seeing Nicole Apple's photo of her dream list...)

To be a polyglot? Spanish, Russian, Japanese, English, American Sign Language could all be useful, methinks... I actually have studied 4 of the 5, to various levels.

To be physically fit? I look at my Buddha belly in dismay, for I'd rather have a nice flat stomach and some ab tones... How would I achieve this? Maybe work with some sort of trainer once a week, to develop daily 30 minute workouts?

To learn self-defense? Not a big interest. It could complement getting physically fit, yet I'm not a physical fighter. Possibly one reason I'm not a big fan of playing football or basketball. I don't mind volleyball, or even some good old LARP... (drifting)

To travel? My biggest concern about travel is that I might fall into a tourist trap, and not get to see the messy side of other cultures' daily lives. I would like to visit other countries, like Scotland and Japan, but I'd like to do so in extended stays of several months or years, where I might actually learn a bit about their culture. On the other hand, I think travel, especially for vacation, can be an extravagant use of resources (got jet fuel, anyone?) - so I'd rather really get to know the city, or even just neighborhood, I live in first. I've been in Austin 23 years, and yet I probably don't know every local eatery yet....

So far, I notice I've been bouncing these questions off of some of the items in Nicole's pic. Can I change gears, and get original? Well, loaded question, as I'm pretty sure many of my goals are shaped by the culture I've grown up in - so some of my goals are common goals shared by many people in the world.

Yes, I'd like to have a family; and yet, I suspect my genes may be best left untransmitted... I mean, do I really want my family history of diabetes, heart disease, cancer and bipolar (and bad teeth) propagated? More importantly, I would eventually like to find a partner who's close to my own age, and I seem to recall that the birth defect risk factors skyrocket when the mom gets close to 40 years old. Then again, adoption is perfectly acceptable, too... (Once again, though, this paragraph is sparked off of Nicole's items.)

What I'd really like, at least in the short term, is useful employment. I feel that I have worn what the limited appeal of retail, that my degree is going unused, that my talents are not being utilized effectively. This begs the questions, "What are your talents?" and "What is this mythical useful employment?" I already wrote a post earlier tonight that started to explore that thread...

Thinking about the last two paragraphs, and "priorities": Although I would love to be in a relationship, I'd like to be so while still being financially self-supporting. So, I think the better job takes first priority, before I even begin to think about romance. I've been in relationships when I was under-employed; and I must say that it's sandpaper to my self-image when I find I can't pay for my part of the dinner.

Ok.... it's 3:30. I'm going to attempt to sleep again. I might pick this up again in the comments, or possibly another post, later today.

25 July 2009

 is trying to jump out of the system of rules built up in his head space... "Being single (at 37) for all but 6 months of my life - well, it's been fun, but I'd like to try something different. Anyone want to set up a blind date with your single female f

25 July 2012

 I'm not sure if it's the lack of sleep, or the absence of sponsors/sponsees, or just plain lack of phone calls...

But this last hour, I've been feeling horribly unvalued in regards to recovery.

I'm going to sleep for an hour, to see if my perspective changes.

25 July 2013

25 July 2020

 Do I have anything that needs to be said?

If so, why?

..to whom?

..through which channel(s)?

..and when?

..oh, and what about?

'what requires my attention, today?'

'...later, this week?'

'...or is best left, unsaid?'

------------------

...leading to my analysis paralysis around prioritizing and discarding my conversations.

"That feeling that I have nothing worthwhile to put in the chat hat"

'...and yet, I cry a little, inside; because I don't want to be left out of "the conversation(s)"'

( Note: this is sent through my Facebook feed, so it's unlikely to reach a large portion of the people who I interact with on a regular or semi-regular basis. )

24 July 2009

 thinks he should change his "My Fairyland" elf's name to something other than "Grumbling Curmudgeon" as he's beginning to wonder if the elf is rubbing off on him.. "Wait...! That can be taken ENTIRELY the wrong way!"

<another cryptic post brought t

24 July 2017

 There are events and causes and politics and more that I closet-support.

Because I do not want to publicly broadcast my support, out of fear of being considered a member of the cause instead of an ally...

Because I do not want to post support without being able to defend my views to those who see the post - no desire for flame wars...

Because I do not want to get into long arguments, especially online, with people who have almost alien backgrounds, compared to my own.

Because I'm already stretched thin on time, and I do not want to get drawn in to lengthy research and subsequent documentation to solidify my position, when it may just be ignored by the "aliens"...

Because I do not fully trust the validity of the "news" that is already broadcast around the issue.

As I do not wish to get into lengthy debates, or spend much of my time sifting through news in fields outside of my studies; I opt to be a passive, silent information consumer. I now think before I share, most of the time, and I try to read with a critical eye.

I guess that it boils down to thinking I have no influence over things outside of my hula hoop. If I thought I could sway the masses to change their mind, I'd be more prone to get on the soapbox...

Yet, I feel I work better in the shadows, where I can break my silence, one-on-one with those who I trust and who have come to trust me.

Unfortunately, there's a power juggernaut in our society trying to wreak havoc on all the things I hold dear.

24 July 2020

 I am trying to justify why I do NOT wish to make phone calls or make letters. It's a nice downward intertwined spiral of failing mental health and failing physical health....

So, i need to knock those reasons off the shelf.

I claim I'm invisible. Yet, people have called, texted, written, even visited; during this period of quarantine.

Maybe i'm overwhelmed. "The Ride of the Valkyries" just started up... Maybe i don't trust what i'll say - feeling like some sort of intimidating wet blanket.

Maybe I'm scared to reach out to others - like I'm predicting that they have their burdens, too; and that, given last week's meltdown by me - I'm not sure I can handle more burdens. (2020 - the new, improved stress test!)

I don't want to draw near to others. I want to hide under my blankets. I want the pains to ease up. I don't want to be discarded as an uninteresting conversation. Yet, I'm not willing to overcome my fears about starting genuine conversations (one-on-one, and in small groups - not here in Facecrap)

It's a feeling that so many energy has to be invested in connecting, and that all the past connections have frayed away to dangling strings. (all or nothing statement - need to watch out about making those)

*sigh* For now, I'm going to nap. Then I might call Jack in NY; possibly reach out to my dad and brother again. Then there's a couple of letters to write, and meetings to attend. then it's time for bed, again.

(...but the disassociation when I lay down - phew! not pleasant...)

23 July 2019

 my mind kept "dwelling on things", today and tonight. i'm guessing there is some anxiety or self-pity, still lurking below conscious awareness? ...or some needs still appear unmet?

Maybe I'm picking up vibes through people's reactions to national politics, too...

or, it could just be fallout after the regular check-in with Integral Care, this morning?

"regret is such a sour slice of life"

22 July 2010

3 AM and the cricket's are chirping outside,

And here I am, how to while time, I must decide...

Computer? Sleep? ..on a caffeine wave, I do ride.

21 July 2020

 I have some fear about covering all of my bills, this month.

(...who doesn’t? )

As I was telling my house mate, I think I was relying too much on my mom’s life insurance return being processed quickly. We sent the forms off, last month, and I thought it would be a one week turnaround or less... but, one month later: “nothing.” Even so, it was not much of a settlement...

I probably have been lax on chasing down my side jobs, and on applying for a second job. How much of that is general frustration at the state of our economy during quarantine? “Hmmm...” (future-tripping bad job interviews)

Are all the expenses essential?

Depends on what I feel needs to be funded, I guess. Or if I can cut out costs. I was not expecting grocery runs to be quite as costly as they are. I did not expect to be making doctor visits (skin and muscle issues)

Of course, “an ounce of prevention...”:

It would be easier if I had resources like money in savings, credit cards, a car, a house, a partner, etc etc

I don’t think I’m alone in living from paycheck to paycheck. Life would be easier if we prepared for the present and future by setting aside money in the past. The difficulty, though, is maintaining the “set aside” mindset, especially when everything seems like an essential need...

20 July 2009

 could broadcast my inner confusion, but then he'd be one of *those* status updaters...

20 July 2016

I'm wondering aloud....

Isn't there a theory in psychology or cognitive sciences that if you attack some one's position or beliefs, it may just fortify their resolve to believe in it?

(might be related to denial in the grief cycle? or refusing to cognitively rearrange one's mind...)

I don't know if this is a true phenomenon, though....

20 July 2018

 I created a tasty curry, with potatoes, onion, carrots and two cans of mixed fruit... there was some garlic and a chunk of turkey lunch meat; and a yellow curry sauce, courtesy of Dana Brown. My house mate, Zac, thought it tasted good, too...

This is me, getting creative with Food Pantry items...

20 July 2018

I want company, right now. Unfortunately, it’s 1:25 a.m.

Some sort of mirrors, to help sift my good thoughts from my bad...?

I might write, even though late-night writing usually turns dark... or I might sleep, and allow my dreams to spin in their own darkness...

3Donnie Dye, Tammy Curry and 1 other

20 July 2018

Like Grizzabella the glamour cat, I stand illumed in a pile of memories, claiming that once I was great...

"I could have been somebody! I could have been a contender!"

...and I kick the can down the street, to tomorrow's generation of STEM hopefuls - these millenials glued to their phones, but never willing to talk.

Wallowing in second place, in so many ways - left to waste away, because only first place gets the rewards in our fine capitalist society! "All Hail, Adam Smith, and his Invisible Hands!"

Even that's probably a muddled up, misshapen set of memories - ah, bipolar brain! how you tangle the thoughts, so...

I reflect on Shoal Creek PICU, in August of '96: "did I bring a catatonic man back to consciousness? did I see false visions of the Messiah, in a hand of solitaire played with my sister's deck of illusions? do I even understand Charles and his cats and his anger? do I even understand my annoying desires to be heard by the outside world?" All that is muddled memories, too.... strange little windows in a set of experiences that are fairly uniquely mine...

but, yet, I want to share them, to try to anchor them in reality or discard them as random, useless facts. that, and three other trips to the insane asylums. I suspect, though, that nobody wants to know, what it's like in there. Nobody wants to see Humpty Dumpty trying to put himself back together, again...

Nobody wants to hear the rantings of the insane... because, honestly? it's so many disconnected facts that can't create a logical story; and much less one with obstacles overcome and morals achieved.

People want white picket fences. People want everyone toeing the line, and everyone cooperating. Granted, not all people want this, but a grand delusion is that we all do (queue Hollywood)...

This will probably become electronic vapors, lost in the maze of the Facebook wall. I could post it, or any number of other posts over to blogger - hoping to preserve it all. Yet, the opinion in my mind is that it doesn't really matter.

Nobody's watching the custodian, because they all came for the comedienne...

20 July 2019

One of the fellow tutors found a divisibility rule for dividing by 7:

Given a number x = 10a + b, then x is divisible by 7 iff y = a - 2b is also divisible by 7. (And this process can be repeated on y....)

Example: 672 = 67*10 + 2. So, it is divisible by 7 if 67 - 2*2 = 63 is divisible by 7. However, 63 is divisible by 7 if 6 - 2*3 = 0 is divisible by 7. Since, 0 IS a multiple of 7, then 63 is also a multiple of 7, as is 672...

20 July 2019

Meanwhile, with life at Sprouts, the background muzak has started to play early 80's pop rock; so I work while vaguely remembering various music videos from the time when MTv actually played music.... It's nostalgic, and a bit of fun, for me...

20 July 2020

 Brownouts? Anyone got brownouts on their 2020 bingo?

20 July 2020

 having one of those "what's the point?" moments. think i'll get a good shower in, lay down, and hope that some dreams appear...

still, the funk has settled upon me, over the last hour. if there's any cause, it's probably loneliness, most of all.

19 July 2018

 My current tailspin:

- I have nothing to live for...

- No one cares about me...

- The best thing to do would be stop using resources that benefit others.

(Memories of September, 1998)

--------------------

I realize there's the faulty thinking in that, like "all-or-nothing" thoughts (which I probably gravitate toward, due to my math background?)... I realize there are people who do care about me, and that I have positive contributions I can still give to society...

But my brain wants to tell me how I'm failing at the best, and ignore the various small victories in the betters. There's a bit of me, dogging me still, that claims that since I was voted "Most Likely to Succeed" by my high school graduating class, then I am most likely to fail, and horribly, too (urban myths?)...

The tunnel vision starts to lock in, and narrow in, and blind me to the various trials, tribulations, and achievements because one (or more?) areas of my life have ended up in the toilet. Never mind that the setbacks may be very temporary, or easily overcome with a little grit - the pain they are creating in my mind wreaks havoc, and leaves me even more paralyzed in fear of how I might act out against them...

19 July 2019

 A common line that women use on online dating sites: "I want a man who can make me laugh"...

Me, trying to interpret why this is a value, and what hidden message(s) it may be broadcasting:

- I want to be with somebody who understands my value systems

- I want a partner who is willing to voice their concerns through humor (instead of violence?)

- I want a partner who attempts to interact with me, through communication...?

- I want someone who does not take life too seriously

I don't know. maybe shots in the dark, on my part...

I still wonder quite a bit, as to why humor is valued, far and wide. Usually, there is a touch of harm or punishment underneath the jokes, even in puns... It's difficult to think of humor that does not also judge the subject of the humor?

Don't get me wrong - I'm quite fond of good jokes and recognizing honest mistakes or past failures. Yet, I wonder why it becomes attractive. Well, a good belly laugh is a good way to diffuse stress....

19 July 2020

 Part of me wants more distance, informal conversations.

____________________________

Another part sees these limitations:

- the participant list is usually static, usually 1-1 or a large group

- the media channel tends to be voice or text, and video is rarer;

so it's hard to gauge all forms of emoting: visual, auditory, body language

- the conversation tends to be limited in scope and temporary

- it's hard to assess what's being shared beyond the media channel

- with big media, the conversation is dominated by the media provider, with very little opportunity for observers to ask clarifying questions or make counter-points.

______________________________

- personally, there's a limit to how many conversations that **I can manage simultaneously. I only have so much time and so much attention that i can devote to them

______________________________

ultimately, you come away with more information about others, but you have very little labor or resources to help with your daily living beyond what you can generate with your own self-reliance

______________________________

All that being said, I still would like to be included in more distance, informal conversations.

...and I know that **THIS TYPE OF WRITING** is kind of stodgy and academic - I'm just trying to avoid being flippant or insincere**.

18 July 2018

 I had some suicidal thoughts about two hours ago, on the walk home from the AA meeting. They felt fueled by futility and frustration, mostly - "stuck in an oubliette", as it were?

It's like everything I'm trying to do, to get more secure financially, doesn't seem to be making any impact, and I'm stuck eating week-old leftovers, worrying about how to regain control of food, rent, insurance premiums, and the phone. Then there's that horrible sinking feeling that I'm terribly alone and nobody's supporting me, any more... and nobody values me anymore, or tries to seek me out (like I have some sort of communication plague, or something - or everyone's just wrapped up in their own lives to even notice mine.)

So, I did not kill myself, even though contemplating doing so is becoming more common than I'd like. And I probably will choke down the week-old leftovers, right after this. I'll probably try to lay down and meditate for half an hour, and then get back on the job application process.

But I don't enjoy having to struggle, just to survive; especially in occupation(s) that are very rewarding, intellectually and emotionally. I could blame the capitalist system, I guess... Or I could blame myself for not "settling for a wage-slave, clock-punching drone job"

I don't know... just need to vent some... dinner's getting cold.

16 July 2010

 FOR ME, the best state to be in is "quiet serenity".

I have to be aware that, left to their own devices, both MY elation and MY depression can spin out to dangerous extremes.

Unfortunately, that elusive elation is something I crave, for its gifts of creativity and boosts to confidence, but I forget that it can also bring some pretty flawed thinking, too...

*SIGH*

16 July 2013

 I have the next two hours free to "do stuff"...

Already sifted a bit through Facebook, but nothing jumped out at me as needing comments, and I'm still on my self-imposed share/like ban.

So, I think I'll refresh my craigslist ad, try to do at least one job application, renew the SNAP, talk with the IRS, do some cleaning, and have some leftovers.

Then again, that doesn't sound like much fun, so maybe first I should pray for the motivation to do it, eh?

16 July 2020

 16 July 2020, 3:13 a.m. :

In memoriam..? Lee Crumbaker

Also remembering: Izzy Cox, Izzy Cox, Izzy Cox And The Ghosts

Also remembering: Damaris Taylor

- 3 excellent friends who I met in addiction recovery, but who shone so much brighter than their addictions...

[Note: I have only just heard of Lee's passing, after he fought a hard battle against cancer]

... my personal memorium:

My mother, who passed on 20 May 2020,

following a severe seizure due to diabetic issues