10 July 2019

 "Why am I single? Why have I been single, most of my life?"

My first thought is that I try not to approach people as "potential partners". ...or... I do not try to flirt, to say pick-up lines, to focus in on physical attributes, to basically treat people as possible sex partners...

because I've heard that that behavior is not generally appreciated from strangers, and it borders on harassing behavior...

My second thought is that I tend not to frequent places where people are looking for "potential partners", like going to bars or logging in to dating sites. (Mostly because I do not want to be viewed as a possible sex partner, instead of as a person.) ...also, it should be noted that the few attempts to frequent such sites has tended to end abyssmally for me - probably because of the first thought, above...

Yet... there's probably more at play, here, as I have had physical relationships, in the past. Why didn't they last? Probably because it's like giving a starving man a banquet - I quickly began obsessing, in a variety of ways, once the relationships started. (No clue on "How to play it cool", perhaps? Or, also, sabotaging anxiety about all of the ways that I'm not measuring up to the other person's expectations...)

Part of me really enjoys the bachelor life. If I only had a little more money, if I could hire personal care attendants - then I'd probably happily live out the rest of my years, single. Not that I don't care for company, as I rather enjoy good conversations... it kind of begs the question, "Why do I need a partner, anyway? What niche(s) are they uniquely suited to fill in my life?"

I would also be quite content living in a co-op or similar multi-family type of housing. I've done that, most of my adult life.

Still, I would like to attempt another romance, at some point. I kind of hope to be better off, financially, to open up options for activities, food, travel, and housing. I am thinking that I should make some requests, though:

- please, do not expect me to initiate the romance (i.e. "ask you out")... I have reached the conclusion that my doing so is generally considered rude. (because i'm a heterosexual male, and we do not know what we are doing)

- please, allow me some leniency to make mistakes. As I mentioned above, I have not dated 100's of women, so I don't have a clue about your expectations. I also think that all the Hollywood screenplays hurt this situation a lot more than help it (by creating a large set of false expectations)

- and, please, be aware that I am human, too; and I still need to be treated like an ordinary human. I may not be able to do the things that you want of me, and I may not be aware that I am doing things wrong. (...and I understand that this road goes both ways, in that you are human, too - and not some supermodel sex machine or similar distorted image of women)

I write this, alone in my room, and I doubt that much will develop out of it. Perhaps it's just rehearsing, in its way - trying to make sense out of the mess that we call romance?

Any way, thank you for taking the time to read this!