14 July 2019

why this insistence that the dark be bad or evil? night time is a great time to collect one's thoughts, to reflect, and to find peace with what has been and what will be...

perhaps, there's ancestral memories of night predators, followed by the warning stories created since - associating darkness with the unknown and the unseen dangers that can come out of it...

------------------

I say all that, and yet I feel myself suffocating in an encroaching darkness and isolation. I look at where I am, right now, and I want to cry out at the loneliness. I feel the mortality, the end, the anonymity... I fight at the thought of oblivion, of passing on, unremembered...

I feel separated and alone, like the last 16 hours have been wasted, as has the week and the months before. I feel blocked from making real connections, because technology intervenes and because my reservations keep me silent and aloof... (I hear Don's voice in my head, "get back into service!")

I think that so many bridges have been burned to the ground, because I'm not behaving according to expectations... and people don't want wild cards in their life... (myself, included)

I feel so ground into the dirt, by years of living a student's poverty that I don't know how to find the sky, anymore... so chained to my old channels, that I've forgotten how to draw and paint.... and why can't I sing out the Serenity Prayer at the end of the AA meetings?! ...and why did I get picked last for Dodge Ball?!

Of course, it's all just strings of words, very loosely connected. My pessimistic mind tells me that shouting them out is tired and old, and taking vows of silence would be far more bold.

Gods damn it all, though! I've been silent for so long, that I don't know how to control how I want to speak...

My predicting mind says that no one will approach, because, the fear is that I will not hold a confidence. Perhaps it's true... perhaps I speak loosely of others... but most of you do, too...??

Or, maybe, I don't talk enough about people other than you and I...)