25 July 2013

3 hours of sleep, and I find myself wide awake - possibly the curse of the coffee...?

Also.... I'm still on my self-imposed like/share ban (until 8/29), partly because I'd like to be commenting more instead of liking and releasing the post to Limbo. I also want to work on more regular status updates, with *God forbid* some original thoughts?

I recently added a lot more close friends, in the hopes of tracking more local viewpoints, with people I actually interact with, somewhat regularly.

However, I find myself wondering if some of those close friends might find a like/share restriction an interesting exercise. The top 3 people dominating my close friends news filter? James Young, Joe Sage, and Kat Hussey

What can I write about, right here, right now? Do I try to fit a particular style, like poetic forms, or a narrative, or a fiction? Do I just let it all flap in the wind, and journal haphazardly? Are there any unresolved strings dangling in my life?

I could ask question after question after question, but if I don't try to answer them, then they are just empty content. I'm prone to asking questions; I suspect because I'm bringing my tutoring background into other areas of my life. I'm certainly comfortable as a tutor, and I enjoy the work - but I'm digressing...

Using a particular style of writing gives me rules to write by, structure to follow, even a little challenge to pursue to add a little goal to guide me. Writing like Finnegan's Wake, stream of consciousness and all, may allow for more raw ideas to bubble to the surface; but the sloppiness can also muddle the message, making it hard for others to follow my thoughts.

Bubbling to the surface is my intro statement earlier tonight:

"I think it's all relevant. My bipolar brain thinks *Everything* is relevant."

(Pause, and others laugh)

<Didn't expect much laughter, but pleased a bit>

"That's just How It IS."

(more laughter)

I have even more of a challenge in this post, because I haven't even settled on a specific topic, sooo.... If I keep streaming, I suspect you'd see a verbal pinball game in action.

I'm tempted to post, and try again, maybe with some rules and topics in place on the next one...

Do I follow-up on that "frustrated/suicidal" post? Maybe just a couple of observations:

1) Part of the reason for posting was to try to take power out of it - you know, just putting it on the table as something I'm struggling with. (I could spin out here about secrecy versus sharing.)

2) Even though I dog "Facebook therapy", I have appreciated past responses when I vent here - Facebook may not be a perfect communication medium, but it is a powerful way to broadcast.

3) Underlying many of my frustrations this year are issues with financial insecurity. It's really disheartening when the paycheck runs out a week or more before the next payday and there's still basic expenses unmet. Especially when I become fearful that I won't be able to eat like I'm used to.

4) It's also frustrating when I find myself trying to set career search goals, and then falling waaaaay short of meeting them. I begin to doubt if I'm capable of finding a better career, and getting out of the "starving student syndrome".

big bird gains more power as our feeble attempts to grapple with it,

clawing evermore

Yes, Let Go and Let God. Let it Pass. Do not Force that which easily Flies,

for the flutter of the wings alight from one point to the next, picking up a little more moss as new connections are made, as the pebble sits in the stream of life, sometimes carried by a torrent, and other times, left alone and unmoved by the babbling brooks.

And now I ask? Is the idea... an idea... an animal... a piece of the earth... a play on imagery and personifications, possibly muddled by the surreal streaming mode? Try to be aware of each idea, as it bubbles up in your brain, but also let it sink back into the network of the universe. If it really needs to be reconsidered, it will resurface when the time calls for it. So, let your idea fly free, knowing that it has a nest in your memory where it sings quietly in the night...

 Just saw the last 3 minutes of Dead Poets Society, and it still yanked some tears out of me... ah yes, the amazing difference between boring teachers and awesome teachers.

G'night, all.. Catch you when the sun's rising, if we're fated to cross paths.