I had some suicidal thoughts about two hours ago, on the walk home from the AA meeting. They felt fueled by futility and frustration, mostly - "stuck in an oubliette", as it were?
It's like everything I'm trying to do, to get more secure financially, doesn't seem to be making any impact, and I'm stuck eating week-old leftovers, worrying about how to regain control of food, rent, insurance premiums, and the phone. Then there's that horrible sinking feeling that I'm terribly alone and nobody's supporting me, any more... and nobody values me anymore, or tries to seek me out (like I have some sort of communication plague, or something - or everyone's just wrapped up in their own lives to even notice mine.)
So, I did not kill myself, even though contemplating doing so is becoming more common than I'd like. And I probably will choke down the week-old leftovers, right after this. I'll probably try to lay down and meditate for half an hour, and then get back on the job application process.
But I don't enjoy having to struggle, just to survive; especially in occupation(s) that are very rewarding, intellectually and emotionally. I could blame the capitalist system, I guess... Or I could blame myself for not "settling for a wage-slave, clock-punching drone job"
I don't know... just need to vent some... dinner's getting cold.
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