I am trying to justify why I do NOT wish to make phone calls or make letters. It's a nice downward intertwined spiral of failing mental health and failing physical health....
So, i need to knock those reasons off the shelf.
I claim I'm invisible. Yet, people have called, texted, written, even visited; during this period of quarantine.
Maybe i'm overwhelmed. "The Ride of the Valkyries" just started up... Maybe i don't trust what i'll say - feeling like some sort of intimidating wet blanket.
Maybe I'm scared to reach out to others - like I'm predicting that they have their burdens, too; and that, given last week's meltdown by me - I'm not sure I can handle more burdens. (2020 - the new, improved stress test!)
I don't want to draw near to others. I want to hide under my blankets. I want the pains to ease up. I don't want to be discarded as an uninteresting conversation. Yet, I'm not willing to overcome my fears about starting genuine conversations (one-on-one, and in small groups - not here in Facecrap)
It's a feeling that so many energy has to be invested in connecting, and that all the past connections have frayed away to dangling strings. (all or nothing statement - need to watch out about making those)
*sigh* For now, I'm going to nap. Then I might call Jack in NY; possibly reach out to my dad and brother again. Then there's a couple of letters to write, and meetings to attend. then it's time for bed, again.
(...but the disassociation when I lay down - phew! not pleasant...)
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