13 July 2018

 Just writing, writing, writing... 'til my palm bleeds blue with cold spilled ink and red with rubbed raw meat, read by skeptical eyes...

not sure what the point is, why the futility exists - why the insatiable thirst is never slaked, why why why....

hoping beyond hope..? that someone may hear, my voice in the darkness? that troubles' loads will be lightened with sympathetic eyes...

yet, battered down by "constructive critics", berated and despised - a pariah in the desert, now - such has become our supports bandied about by independent lives, by the pathos that "we all know what is right" - critical eyes?

in some strange dominant/submissive dance, i retreat behind a happy facade, and yet I still cry out in the night, "Self-sufficiency was good as far as it went....!"

I know the critiques will come, yet I still try to be heard. Because I once heard that "silent men become dead men" and, contrary to what I have said, I do not want to die.

Oh, but I want to thrive! I want to soar! I want to be so, so much more... whereby, I feebly raise broken wings and toast smashed dreams, and taste the bitter bile rising in my throat, these days. the tears begin to flow - i can feel them, welling up now...

nobody wants to read random journals about pain and suffering, as they scroll through cats and created dinners. at least, i know i began to bypass the rants, as a friend grieved his dead parents - over the years past. perhaps, all we want is tidy little packages and Madison Avenue sound bites, and simple solutions.

nobody cares to reach out to the wallflowers who won't entertain them.

nobody is a loaded word, born of all or nothing thinking, embedded in our minds' attempts to have simple solutions, or universal truths.

• • • David Jackson

      Bear in mind that the solution is always the last thing that we try. Please keep trying, because once you find it, whatever that may be, you will quit looking for it.

      "The spiritual journey is always inward".

      Namaste Y'all.

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      •  · 3y
    • David Jackson

      It took me years to discover, that I was my own best company.

      

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        Jody Bean

        I rather enjoy my company. Yet, I do not enjoy the chronic struggling in poverty...

        There are also some times that I like to interact with others. Granted, I probably haven’t found the best timing or situations in which to do so..

        

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      Jody Bean

      (I’m stuck in this rut, thinking that I need only post to Facebook and, suddenly, conversations outside of Facebook will appear...)

      (Noted that I’m posting this comment to Facebook.)

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      Jody Bean

      (Also noted: “nobody” has come looking for me, when I’ve become absent - contrary to all the “rescue stories” I’ve heard, in the rooms...

      Granted, I have yet to relapse on drugs and alcohol; and Austin AA is “one big family of many meetings”)

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      Jody Bean

      But, that’s me responding to “find the solution” and reading into that statement “Jody’s still in the problem (more of a CoDA or Al-Anon twist, perhaps)”...

      And I’m wondering if I, you, or both of us are projecting...

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      •  · 3y
      • David Jackson

        Never overlook the obvious Jman. The last place you look is always where you find it.

        

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      • David Jackson

        Enjoy the journey of looking...

        

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