My current tailspin:
- I have nothing to live for...
- No one cares about me...
- The best thing to do would be stop using resources that benefit others.
(Memories of September, 1998)
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I realize there's the faulty thinking in that, like "all-or-nothing" thoughts (which I probably gravitate toward, due to my math background?)... I realize there are people who do care about me, and that I have positive contributions I can still give to society...
But my brain wants to tell me how I'm failing at the best, and ignore the various small victories in the betters. There's a bit of me, dogging me still, that claims that since I was voted "Most Likely to Succeed" by my high school graduating class, then I am most likely to fail, and horribly, too (urban myths?)...
The tunnel vision starts to lock in, and narrow in, and blind me to the various trials, tribulations, and achievements because one (or more?) areas of my life have ended up in the toilet. Never mind that the setbacks may be very temporary, or easily overcome with a little grit - the pain they are creating in my mind wreaks havoc, and leaves me even more paralyzed in fear of how I might act out against them...
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