started several status updates and deleted them...
my mind's trying to convince me I'm a pariah, and I want to lash out at spending all of my time in activities...
I also have food cravings chipping away at me, thinking sweets or salts will placate me.
I'm all concerned about my finances being screwed up for the next few months - partly from apple itunes, partly from reduced work hours... and several payments from the past getting used up....
i miss the gaming nights, i miss the consistent hours at work, I miss the conversations by citronella candlelight.
yet i tried to work for the irs, and i couldn't get into the day schedule, or build the desire to process forms for a living. even now, i have an irs employee trying to convince me to go back.
life would be easier with a car, but more cosly, too. maybe it's the cart/horse problem - do i get a car before I get a career, or do i get a caree in the hopes of quickly getting a car?
yes, this is rambling and bounding around.
i wish i were attractive, and yet, I feel repulsive. no lady wants my company... or maybe no lady thinks i could be a good provider or protector. ....and that whole gender role thing makes me want to puke. part of me wonders if i'd have any luck being gay - but, honestly? i can tell that my mind is definitely wired straight as an arrow...
it seems i have tons of men who enjoy my companyy. and yet I can not understand why so few women want to be around me. maybe my sister is right, "I'm far too open about my own life to be trusted with others' delicate secrets" Yet, I ask, "have I ever talked ill of you?" then again, maybe my lack of gossiping paints me as anti-social....
i keep myself constantly busy, it seems, but with little monetary compensation, and all built around games and AA
fuck. i'm stuck in a comfort zone, but the comforts it provides are so inadequate. i'm not working in a career that uses my strengths, i'm woefully deprived of the arts (last movie seen? HA! don't even get me calculating the last play seen...), i'm eating poorly and gaining weight, most of my leisure time is spent in board games and rpg's, I go to AA because it's a housing requirement, and it's so rare that I call people - even family....
Yet, I don't want to take the steps to try to improve my life, out of fear of losing what comforts I do have.
i'm done with this post. i don't want to write more, here... because I feel that Facebook is falling on Deaf ears.... or Blind eyes....
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