13 June 2013

 Take two..?

I'm not going to try to force a poetic form on this one, and I may be adopting my "professor persona"... Still, I feel my first attempt an hour ago might have some merit. So, here goes:

Can I explain to you what it's like to be bipolar? What are the little nuances of that disease that are its hallmarks - and that make me different from normal people?

Or... Do I try to convey how I've learned (or not) how to cope with bipolar's impact on my life and life skills?

First... At this very moment, my mind is moving in multiple directions - some directly related to this post, some tangential, and some just out in left field. If I wanted to organize those paths, I'd probably outline them on pen and paper... And yet... Past experience shows that some times leads to much more work and many more directions than I can handle.

This pattern of multiple threads is one fallout from this insanity, and the fabric of my life is shot through with it. You can also see it when I try to share "on the fly" at recovery meetings, when I try to organize a job hunt - or even tasks at a job - or even when I'm trying to plan my daily activities...

I am "fortunate" for my default level is more manic than depressive. Through most of my life, I have been relatively content with life, and I have been blessed with good fortune.

This mania did not spin out of control, and one of its gifts - high intelligence and high creativity - served me well... Until I was 26.

That was the time of my first major manic episode, my initial diagnosis, and an actual break with reality. I note that I also was struggling to manage others around me, with little to no success.

Part of me has wondered if the manias, the over-active imaginations, are part of a "Fight or Flight" reaction to a life challenge - like mania is a fight response while depression is a flight one..

There is a list of symptoms that doctors use to diagnose bipolar, yet I do not have those memorized. Also, this disease shares several similarities with other mental diagnoses, like schizoaffective, and ADHD. So, as I am "writing on the fly", and don't want to get distracted, I will not weigh you down with all those nuances...

I have also experienced the deep depressions this disease can lead me to, where I am practically paralyzed by indecision and anxiety. In fact, I didn't take this disease seriously until my 1998 depression...

I look up, now, and I notice my batteries nearing depletion. So, I will table this, for the moment. Knowing my disease and its patterns, this writing may well become lost in the maelstrom of my life.