4 August 2017

 I need to vent...

To tame my demons in my head, before they overcome me.

I return to Facebook, because it's 3:24 a.m. here, and I don't want to disrupt somebody else's sleep. If these thoughts continue to bother me, I know that I can always call a hotline.

There was a strong ideation tonight, to plunge a knife into my heart. My hand was feeling around to best find the heartbeat. I didn't go so far as to put a knife in my hand, though.

It sucks that I feel so overwhelmed, at times, that I just want to run away, give up, surrender. I want a quick fix, even if it takes me out. My mind focuses on all the "bad things" in my life, and it tells me, "You're not a success. You're such a failure. You're just sucking up valuable resources that could be better used by somebody else."

"Romances or Finances" - those are usually cited as the big life problems (at least, in some AA meetings I've been to).

It doesn't seem like there's any romance in my life. More generally, I feel a social isolation that's partly perpetuated by my own actions. Every once in a while, I crave company; but, mostly, I'm alright with a single life. Yet, the isolation feels more intense, when I think there's no one that I can turn to for help. Eh. that's flawed "all or nothing" thinking. I have support networks, yet I'm afraid to tap into them, especially for financial assistance.

Then, there's finances. I'm still in a state of flux with my income, trying to balance the two jobs. This, in turn, is leading to bills delayed or unpaid. I've had to get dental work done, and other medical bills are showing up. It's frustrating, because it seems that all that I can cover is rent, and some of the food - leaving no money for the bus ticket(s), phone, health insurance. Then there's three credit cards... I don't know if I could travel for a death or marriage in my family. (I also really need to look into life insurance - deaths have their own expenses)

I know that I can tap into food banks to bolster my pantry. I can apply for food stamps - $16 per month is better than nothing. I need to face my creditors - even though I don't know what payments they'll accept.

It would be good to get into a better paying career; but finding that mythical beast seems so difficult. I did apply to one career today, in mathematics education...

Future-tripping, though, isn't helping me get to sleep, peacefully, now. For me, that can be a slippery slope, slipping into either a deep depression, a mania, or a mixture of both.

Is there a quick fix? I feel parts of my body itch, so maybe a benadryl? Or maybe throwing more blankets on, as a cold front has come through, and the house is colder than it used to be... Or, maybe I'm meant to suffer, tonight...