16 August 2020

 I keep trying to convince myself that I am entirely to blame for my loneliness. It makes me devalue my worth, it makes me avoid blaming friends and family for any kind of self-centeredness...

I want to scream across my media channels how unfair it feels, yet I suspect my media channels have become quite defunct - quite possibly due to too many past screams. ...and there, I try to take on the blame again...

I'm not integrated into people's lives. I'm not a vital part of most people's activities. I'm just drowning in the ocean, and there's not a boat to be found nearby - much less a life preserver.

There's this theme: nobody wants to hear what I have to say, because I say too much.

...and so, I want to unplug. I want to just focus on what's in front of me, only. Yet I really do care about my friends and family. Perhaps I care too much, that I want to respect their privacy, and not interfere with them, when they're not in the room... (and even when they are in the room)

and there I go again, trying to put all the blame on my shoulders, leaving no fault for others.

Like I always have to be the first to call,

I always have to start the conversations,

I always have to be willing to step away if I'm not wanted or welcome (even if just momentarily)

I really do want to unplug, though.

I really don't want to find myself worrying about people who aren't interacting with me

-- yet I wonder if that's a dangerous game, considering how strongly people want their convictions and expectations supported.

Is it too much to unplug, and deactivate?

Would I be crippling myself by abandoning all things electronic - or even just the less efficient things?

I never wanted to be chained to a phone, or chained to a computer - yet, by some strange twist of fate - "HERE WE ARE..."

and the fear, I guess, is, "if i unplug and deactivate, how then will I be able to keep up with the people I care about?"

I said, "no writing" yesterday, yet I'm writing again - limited communications options, see? I'm going to try to stop writing again, because "I fucking hate Facebook's style of discourse!"

I'm trying to unplug,

yet I'm also holding on to ten years of history, in case it could be put to good use...

and I'm also barely holding on to my contacts here - in case that's the only way that a friend can reach me...

I'm tired of talking in monologues. I'm tired of 3-minute shares. I'm soooo tired of people trying to make big points in a hollow medium....

(...and I kick myself, because I still ended up on the computer, because I'd rather engage in solitary pursuits - like reading, drawing, or watching tv.... "Hey, Youtube!" )

Oh, I'm really tired of asking a question online or by text and never getting an answer - that kind of feels like bad disrespect, there. Yet, not every question deserves an answer, I guess...

At least we're not trying to use smoke signals or morse code to communicate. ...and, yeah, I think everyones' circles of confidantes are really disintegrating down to whoever's "in the room" with them, right now - we're all little castaways on our home islands.