12 August 2019

 i do not know who i am willing to interact with, from the comfort of my home. it feels like i have built up this life where i opt to wander the world, alone.

there are these nagging fears of rejection and delay, like the act of reaching out is interfering with others' lives and plans... possibly fueled by my own desire to have a predictable schedule, in my own life. (also, there have been times where i went to visit others, and i got turned away at the door)

so much of my life is built up around work and interest groups and events - with so little left for spontaneous play. organized play, yes... but not just deciding to have a change of plans.

i would like a female partner, partly for the deeper physical intimacy with another human being; but also for the company and a different perspective on things... honestly, I just want to feel safe and secure that I can express myself through touch. So much fear is built up in me over "shaming" - the delusion that nobody wants to be touched, because nobody trusts that it won't turn into a harmful touch... (and this paragraph probably spins out into pages and pages of monologues...)

i beat myself up because my under-employment keeps me from effectively stepping into a provider role, both for myself and for others. I want to believe that I am capable of earning so much more, yet past experiences make me believe that I can not effectively deal with the higher stress that accompanies higher paychecks.

So often, I forget about all the insidious ways that my bipolar illness manifests in my life. Like riding a manic high, I overlook how alienating I can become when I think that "I have all the answers". I forgot how quick my body is to remind me to either go into overdrive or go into total shutdown; if my stressors become overwhelming. (New Guild, '98: staring out at the trees from our attic room, and imagining so many skull silhouettes staring back... - weird aside / might be workable into another draft?)

a pressure to "fight for what I want", yet i am not a fighter. the last thing that I want to do is harm another person. however, i do not like misguided ideas, either... so, i get passive-aggressive and sharpen my humor; or frame my criticisms in indirect language. back to the pressure - i do not want to intervene, if i see someone else harming another... so being a rescue boyfriend would not suit me well? Still, there's this current in society, the champion archetype, that tells us to defend and promote what we like, usually to the detriment of everything we do not like. We have to be allies and we have to "punch Nazis" or "criminalize abortions" or .... any of 1000 causes that make us believe we are improving lives...

The antithesis of the champion archetype, would be the "live and let live" view, where everyone can do whatever they want, so long as they cause no harm...?

rough drafting.... not sure how clear that picture is, yet...

i do not want to take the action to talk with you, directly. i would rather write, for my own clarification, and leave another text wall for all of you to ponder. i wish i was more willing to talk with each of you, directly. i wish I did not throw up 101 excuses on why the conversation(s) would devolve into wasted time(s).

I wish you all well, in your individual lives. Perhaps one day, we will have more shared experiences.