9 August 2020

 The topic was “acceptance is the answer” (pg. 417, BB, 4th ed)

I began thinking about the unrealistic expectations that I’ve put on peoples’ communications with me - especially by phone or by internet. Maybe a like or a love reaction is used just as I use them: “I enjoy this post, but I don’t think I have time to respond to it... or I’ll just up-vote it...”

Ultimately, why do I expect several long conversations per day from a host of friends? What planted that seed in my brain and allowed it to grow?

I thought about how little I communicate back... and my poorly synchronized intimacy levels within the audiences I address. Is it possible that people are afraid to reach out, because I have public disclosures or public vulnerability? I.e., they don’t know if sensitive information can be trusted with me, because of the length and frequency of my posts. ...or they have little to no uncertainty about my life, because it’s ALL already posted online. Am I really that transparent, though - do you really KNOW ALL ABOUT ME? (Maybe disclosing lots in one arena allows me to keep silent in another - like a conversational cloaking device.)

So, ruminating on all this, and considering my recent actions (deleting lots of contacts, unfriending half my Facebook friends, restricting my phone access, abandoning past groups and activities...) -

I feel like I’m withdrawing from a past life... getting still and silent, that I may find the future path(s) before me... trying to decide what I do want to nurture and grow into and what I need to leave behind...

There’s been this feeling for 8 years that I am an outside, that I’m not considered alcoholic enough - or active enough - to be trying to gain the trust of other alcoholics. I just don’t seem to give off the right type of insanity, to have addicts and alcoholics open up with me. (I stay in lecture mode, instead of narrative mode..?)

So, as I spin out from that orbit, I feel that the AA program can provide me some tools for mitigating life’s troubles; but I doubt that it can provide me the connections or friendships that I seek - at least, if I keep on acting, as I have over the last 15 years. So, it steadily loses importance in my mind... and places me on a path of wanderlust, to abandon those groups...

...and, yet...? Where would I go instead? How can I add dimensions to my life that allow me to meet fast friends?

As I’ve been single for all but a few months of my life, as I’ve been cocooned in co-ops and group homes for most of my adult life, I really can’t fathom the challenges - the struggles and inspirations - lying ahead, to try mingling in society. I don’t relish the thought of how my actions and energy are to be allocated... it seems like an impenetrable maze, and I no longer can smell the cheese.

I’m probably becoming maudlin and dramatic, at this point - it’s part of my monologue style.

I want to believe that I see things clearly; yet I doubt that I currently do. Is it worth then, to accept false beliefs?