14 August 2020

 I have this frustration boiling and bubbling under my conscious awareness.

It's probably highly connected to all the anxiety out in current society, and a fear of facing that alone...

Or losing friends who did not want to reach out - and end up doing dangerous things, instead.

it could be the classic "mid-life crisis"; where I feel like I've fallen short of so many of my expectations for my life, mostly fed to me by my society's culture(s). Things like "I should be married, I should have a great career, I should have my own car and my own house, I should have a decent retirement fund, ..."

Honestly, I don't know why I would want those expectations in my life, considering how doom sayers that the world is livable for one or two more human generations, at best (due to our own fumbling about as a species)... I really wonder if we should have a child, just to tell them, "you're about to inherit a shithole!"

Part of me is worried, as societal institutions are crumbling about us, about what our marginalized classes will start to do, as their lives become more and more desperate. This week, we saw a guy chunking topo chicos at all the windows in a a local market. We have tent camps popping up all over town. Do I have to be a lot more vigilant when walking around town, because everyone's anxiety is skyrocketing?

I've been through at least 4 major mental health crises (those were the ones I was hospitalized for)... I know how unhinged my mind became at those times from high anxiety, and how my morality just crumbled while I chased at flimsy ideas. So, I project that onto people out there, losing their minds... and I become fearful of what they might do.

So, under a silghtly less calm demeanor, my brain is in a lot of chaos. It does not like these times. It does not want to have to suffer through them.

...and, yet, here we are.

1Sarah Beth