24 August 2020

 I'm still fighting the feelings that "Nobody - absolutely nobody - would consider me as a life partner."

I try to convince myself that's not the truth, but there's just no evidence to build a case against the statement. So, I'm left wondering if I'm fine being by myself, and I'm really NOT fine with that.

It just makes life seem so fucking futile...

I know the old AA idea: "Imagine your ideal partner, and then grow to become like them."

I'm trying, even if it's baby steps. (I don't understand why we can't grow towards perfection, together, though - instead of having to be perfect, a priori...)

I imagine there's some crap points in my personality,

contributed by fear, the bipolar brain, addictive behaviors, and more...

There's also some definite status deficiencies that people dislike: no car, no house, no savings, no retirement...

And I'm certainly not making good motions that I'm interested in available parties - another defeat from my fears: "Don't blame me! Blame sexual harassment!"

And, right now, I'm probably perceived by you, gentle reader, as just harping on the same tune, again - with no noticeable growth since the last post like this.

Loneliness fucking sucks.

Wanting too much attention fucking sucks.

Seeing how my brain starts the suicidal ideations, just because I'm lonely? (Still fucking sucks.)

Do I go kick around the dating sites again, in the hopes that some random stranger is a magic cure-all for all my loneliness ills? Pshaw... I'm not ready to go through that "meet and greet grinder"" again. I mean, if I just wanted sex without connection - that's pretty easy to gain, but really fucking unsatisfying.

I liked it, back in the day, when people wrote letters back and forth. I liked it, when we gathered for events, at each others' house - or possibly, at a local vendor.

Right now, it all feels like we're all in little glass jars, with our voices bouncing around inside. If we're lucky, we got trapped with a couple of others - even though they might bug us.

Alas... I am second class materials in a society that demands priority hand-delivered curios. (I play at making at a USPS analogy, and I probably fall flat, even there.)

I'm also 47, going on 48. So, most of my traditional potential partners are no longer available, having been married, for years. I imagine the available ones remaining, are a bit stir crazy, like myself - because we both feel that we missed our boats when they sailed. I'd be willing to date "outside of my traditional parameters", on some fronts -- but I'm pretty sure I'd still balk at some of the others.

yay. another essay. i still fucking want to curl up and die. ...and I think that "flight instead of fight" is definitely NOT a good point of attraction - everyone wants a confident guy, right?

(I kind of hate writing to the Facebook blob.

why didn't I want to call someone, instead?

I think I texted 3 people to check...

Hell, the thoughts have been put out there - I'll post them, anyway.

As far as I know, I'm only talking from my own perception, and not about anybody else, specifically...

so, this will probably die another Facebook post's unnoticed death)