I find myself trying to set expectations for others. It’s like, “I want to have this boundary; because I’m seeing if it improves my quality of life.”
Yet, are these expectations realistic? Do I NEED to verbalize and publicize everything? If I do publicize, does that mean some people will use that boundary as an opportunity to test me - or as a reason to dismiss me?
Is it obvious, a priori, what actions I’ll easily forgive and which ones will seriously provoke me?
(...and what about your expectations?)
Ultimately, am I trying to avoid some sort of pain or discomfort through my expectations, instead of accepting the pain?
Life does not have to be happy or even peaceful, all the time. I need to be willing to deal with discomfort, for, usually, that brings growth. If I’m unwilling to listen to the good, the bad, and the ugly... then I’m trying to avoid some slice of the universe.
Probably my largest fear is my becoming so disrupted that I no longer act rationally. The quickest path there is through lack of sleep (like last night).
Past experience has shown me that, when I get irrational, I drive friends away (usually because of obsessive behaviors), I end up in mental hospitals (because I’ve gone manic), or I think about (all the time) or attempt suicide (once in 1998, once in 2001). I have a fair idea of the environmental triggers that can lead me to irrational thinking - and usually some survival instinct feels threatened by them...
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