31 Oct 2009

 is dressed as The Invisible Man tonight... "If you don't see me, then I guess my costume worked.."

31 Oct 2016

 Need to get off the Facey thingy...

31 Oct 2018

 20 years ago, I came out of a 2-3 week coma, as a senator astronaut was going back into space. The Simpson’s Halloween episodes played every night on Fox that week. I was on dialysis, and I hear I had had 90% kidney failure. I also hear that, when I was checked in to Brackenridge, that my body temperature was about 84 degrees.

I came close to death, by my own hand, using an overdose of the psychiatric medications that I had stopped taking, months before.

Suicide seemed like the only way of stopping the pain from a messy breakup, and from severe poverty.

Yet, I kept drinking, and I kept slipping on my medication regime, for another five years.

I hear the way that bipolar symptoms are described, and I can certainly relate. I also hear how addiction is described, and I can relate to that, too. Trying to live a life of vigilance against both can be trying, to say the least.

Would improving my life situation help? Probably, some. However, what may seem easy for you to do might be terribly difficult for me, when I can be so easily distracted.

20 years ago, I woke up. I pray that I do not try to slip back into “sleep”...

31 Oct 2019

 "If I think about myself too much, then no else will want to think about me." (not a direct quote, but rather another attempt to 'meme up some junk')

...and with how villified narcissism has become... "If I think about myself too much, then others will wonder how little I think of them."

----- expansion follows ----

I do not think that I am final word on any subject, or that I am correct on any topic, even when I'm voicing my opinions. In that sense, I do not think I am full of myself, like "a true narcissist".

However, I also do not think your opinions should be accepted unchallenged - and that's probably brewed tons of trouble over my lifetime. It's kind of like the annoyance we get when our 5-year-olds keep asking us, "but, why...?" I personally think the annoyance is not so much at the child, but rather at our inability to phrase our explanations so elegantly that both we and the child better understand the world. (drifting into tutoring quandaries and differences in pedagogy, and such... and that reminder today when I questioned if sub-cultures could propogate flawed models or interpretations)

I feel a lot safer talking about myself, than I do about you or a third party. I do not enjoy "office politics" or real politics, because so much of the discussions devolve into judging others. Yet, there is quite a lot of clarification of ideas that develops when discussing others - not always helpful clarification, but clarification still ensues. Also, no one likes to be put under the microscope - so talking about third parties is probably safer than talking about the person you're talking to.

(...lost track of post.... too much written. Ah, my fault appears again, wrapped in long monologues...)

31 Oct 2019

 maybe it's grief. maybe I think I've lost so many past acquaintances (of various depths of friendship)... that I'm grieving for those lost friends.

There's that flicker of a thought, "Couldn't we have a family holiday dinner again, like we did when everyone lived in D/FW?" ...or... "It would be nice to write 12-page letters back and forth again..." ...or even... "how I miss the communities we built on the 11th floor, and at French House..." I know most of those friends are not dead, but I also know most of us have moved on to different lives. The same could be said of the different AA Home Groups that I've claimed (although their membership can be a lot more chaotic)

There's also this expectation I'm holding that, whatever events pushed those friends out of my life, at least some of the friends would take the time to try to repair the friendship. So, when no one comes trying to apologize, then I question if anything was really there to begin with...

Also, why is it that one bad event or one bad statement should have the power to destroy our relationships, to begin with? Have we forgotten how to build compromise among ourselves? Have we forgotten how to create time in our lives for anyone other than ourselves? (True, I'm the pot here, calling at all kettles...)

My dad would probably chide me for this post, noting how eerily like Trump's 3 a.m. tweets it might appear to be. ...and I would probably be wise to better scrutinize for my part in this "grief".

31 Oct 2019

 I am thinking of hibernating this account, at least for a month. If I don’t go crazy, then I might extend it to a year.

During hibernation, I do not plan on posting, sharing posts, commenting on posts, or even liking posts. I hope to archive a lot of my memories, where I was writing in some fashion or other - possibly into the blogger blog that I already have active.

30 Oct 2010

 Either I'll be out cold, or out at the Capitol, in 3ish hours..

30 Oct 2020

 Do I try haiku..?

No, no... I just write my thoughts,

Twisted up, in rage...?

as i consider my past repressions, not wanting to offend with a bad flirt... scared to make any notions that I might be attracted...

piling that up, year after year,....

and as i consider how i take myself out of dating - mostly claiming that I can't afford to meet their financial expectations

and... in being silent, I think I'm simply overlooked, written off as "not interested" ...or maybe "he's not worth the chase"..?

I try to build a huge pyramid of claiming blame, that no one would want to date me - even though I've had several short relationships ... they usually implode, though, when the financial vector disappears?

It leaves me feeling a bit bitter, these days... thinking I'm simply not "some desirable male" or even "some unicorn" - whatever combination that's supposed to be. Over the years, the lack of responses through online dating - that's what gets me thinking that I'm using atypical conversation and just getting written off as "Undateable".

(It feels like I refuse to follow a Hollywood script, because I project how terribly harmful they can be - like there might not be a #metoo movement, if there wasn't some current in society that encourages questionable behaviors?)

Yesterday, I wrote two pages out, for a friend trying to consider gender roles and sexuality and more - but it's still a rough draft; and not a well-researched academic piece....

so, anyway, a lot of threads feeding in, telling me how, if I try to be on good behavior, I basically feel like I'm overlooked, and, by default, I have no dates. (How flimsy is that argument, and what factors are not being considered - like the fear of rejection and the unwillingness to invite others out?)

----

in any case, it keeps eroding away at that societal expectation of having a wife and a family develop around me...

I look at the absence of retirement monies, and I see another societal expectation of a secure retirement moving beyond my reach...

-----

So, the haiku today, three hours ago, began:

"I give up hope ... dreams ..."

As I begin chewing on this resentment that whatever future I've hoped for in the past seems less and less within my reach - and that I might take a tough look at what paths I wish to follow. Perhaps, to ask myself, if I'm striving for high ambition and glory when I am doing perfectly well with more mundane roles.

Being a math tutor is not bad. I still get to pass some wisdom down, and usually to younger generations.

Being a board game player allows for some light social interactions and some interesting mental challenges in the actual game play.

Striving for better diet and exercise could help promote my future health - and I think that exercise through martial arts, dance, yoga, hiking, and more ... they all have nice side benefits, right?

Do I need to have wealth and property when I die? No, because I have no use for it, after death. Now, if I had a family, it could be a good way to support them, after my death... However, there's that sticky point again: "If I had a family"

One of those old teenage mottoes that I used was "Experience everything... in moderation." Yet, I do not need to experience EVERYTHING first-hand. I do not need to travel the world, as there's plenty of media documentation of what's out there. I also hold that our local neighborhoods have a wealth of experiences and people in them, already - if we'd only open our eyes to looking for them. I certainly do not need to try all the vices in the world, as some of them can be rather deadly, if I'm not careful.

A lot can be said for building a humble life. Yet it's so easy to get distracted by "going for the gold" or "keeping up with the Joneses"

-------

Still, fear perches within my skull - telling me that a humble life may become a hard life. It casts up so many visions of pain suffereing, that I would rather avoid, if I could. ...and so, the suicidal ideations come hopping back into my consciousness - on a rather annoyingly regular basis - trying to convice me that suicide is a fair way of avoiding all of that pain. "After all, you're overlooked... undateable... Nobody in this world wants your variety of life," that black widow whispers in my inner ear. It's like trying to convince me that the ultimate sacrifice (like Christ on the Cross) will be better for everyone in the end... "Ah, there's that Messiah Complex, see?"

My brain has f***ed up thought clouds hiding inside of it. I know this, I hate it... and yet, how did they get there? Was reading "The Bell Jar" enough to plant the seed? Is it really just strange genes passed down, through my family's generations?

I am extremely thankful that I do not wish to cause others harm. It makes me a bit less argumentative, a bit more submissive. It probably helps chase away the ideations. Yet... maybe that's another "bad dating trait" in "popular society": "We need men who are confidant, aggressive, and won't take no for an answer!" I personally think that's one of the seeds of toxic masculinity.... or of the American reality of "constantly fighting for most of the last 250 years"...

maybe the haiku should be:

Nothing that I want,

No goals to chase, except peace -

Peace among us all.

Do I believe that 100%, though? No... because I still resent where I'm at, today, when I think about it too much.

I still believe that I can offer plenty to the world, even though I own little. I'm just uncertain that many people in the world want what I offer. So, who could I share my life with, then?

Who thinks that I offer something that they want?

29 Oct 2013

 Joke found in my email:

__________

Today's word is: Fluctuations

(I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.)

I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange Chinese REMBINI for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated.

She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla for Rembini. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

(You know you're laughing ...) (Your wrinkles are showing !!!)

29 Oct 2018

 Change the world!

Rescue me!

Get me out of

This painful reality!

...and the planet destroys us all?

...or the politicians serve the poor up as a delicacy dinner to their depraved donors?

Fuck. I don’t get this world.

Is it all just some surrealist tragedy of errors, meant to amuse the men in the clouds? Are we an unusual puzzle, trapping a poor Gaia Soul inside, who’s tearing us apart to dig itself out of being incapable of making connections...

Too much. Too random. Too weird. Best just to stop with the first four short lines...

Screaming and sobbing and crying and wailing inside, because... I just can’t make sense, or see a viable solution. I want to believe that we will one day thrive, yet I doubt that, until tomorrow, we’ll survive.

The problem with emotions is that they can often disrupt judgement and critical thought - even though milder feelings often are at the roots of both.

29 Oct 2019

 From the outside, my day was fairly typical, like many days over the last 5 years (or longer)...

Yet, I sit here, exhausted, feeling like I was decimated by gnats. I’m left with a lot of anxiety, a lot of silence, several “half-finished fences”, and physical health concerns.

My lingering unshared share is about how people constantly try to wrap life events up in a story. We have a hard time breaking out of model-building and moral points, and we try to deduce future outcomes from past events. There is some truth in that, for our ability to reason has led to so many world-changing inventions and predictions.

Yet... I take issue with AA’s assuming Steps 4 thru 9 will cure the causes that lead to our drinking. As others stated, those steps are designed to “build a new relationship with our ‘God’” or to clear away the wreckage preventing us from appreciating the present moment... they help minimize our tendency to be restless, irritable, and discontent. (As the big book points out earlier, alcoholism affects everyone, so if it had an external cause, then that would have to fit all situations.)

But I did not get to share, and that was one gnat. I did not receive an “offered lunch”, because the giver was joking - another gnat.

I went to work; and I had to resubmit past documents - which a student was all too keen to remind me that the time was taking away from student’s access to my tutoring...

After a few more plan upsets, I’m just feeling like I’m in a world of denial. I want to give up. I want to die, only to be free of my aches and pains.

I want to die, because I see no point in continuing on, especially the road to nowhere.

28 Oct 2010

 Sooo... if I sit here staring at the computer long enough, will I find something clever to say...? ...nope, doesn't seem to be working.

28 Oct 2010

 living the life of the Spartan and the Hermit is just plain "blah"... debating if I'll swap off a shift Saturday to go "see the naked lady rise from the tub of blood" ("Le Sang des Gitans")

28 Oct 2010

 ..looks like I'll be working every night of this Halloween weekend. *sigh*

still debating if I'll work in costume, or not..

28 Oct 2012

 For anyone looking for a little esoteric entertainment...

There's a Board Game Night at Rockin' Tomato on South Lamar, twice a week. On Sundays, they generally start around 2 p.m., and on Tuesdays, they start around 6 p.m.

People will bring various board games that they have, and usually break off into groups of 4-6 people to play each game. There's usually several players who can explain the rules fairly well for the games being played.

28 Oct 2014

 OK... Just saw a second post about "Halloween costumes that make people uncomfortable"

It gets me wondering, "Is there a fine filter/line between trying to be decent, and trying to make an issue taboo?"

Reminds me of the politically correct movement...

28 Oct 2018

 jumbled thoughts, not presenting a clear solution. accounts dwindling to nothing and bills unpaid. food anxiety ever-looming.

too much, just too much. ready to die, yet suffering in a life of sharp mental pain.

it all seems like so much work, trying to attention gain.

it seems like a broken record.

it seems like nothing has changed, that nothing will change... that i live in some twisted hell sadistically enjoyed by my darker brain.

it seems that i am forever alone, and never at home, that no one cares about Eeyore Bean.

i predict motivating speeches, and offers of assistance, and vast waves of ignoring strangers... and yet...

i write, not to seek a way out, but to lessen the pains. To hope that one day, my needs will be met and my wants will be none.

to be free from suffering. to be.

28 Oct 2020

 "Once it's been said..."

So, there are a handful of ladies, who I still know as Facebook friends, with whom, at some time in the past, I have either had potential or actual dates.

You know:

- we met first through a dating site,

- or they expressed interest in dating, fairly directly,

- or . . .

I've noticed, even today, that this still affects how I view them. Just knowing there was dating interest, in the past, has me second-guessing if there's possible interest, today, which can affect what I am willing to say, with them, today.

Of course, I can still remember some of the dating stumbles I made, back in the "potential dating days"; and I imagine that influences why I'm not dating them today.

-------------------------

If there had never been a context of dating, would that change how we now view each other?

28 Oct 2020

 I sometimes wonder if my reactions to life are “atypical reactions”...

- Like, was my HS friend astute in noting how similar I was in HS to her current son with Asperger’s?

- Do I fall somewhere along the autism spectrum - could that correlate with creativity and math abilities?

- Are just the bipolar symptoms and/or minor anxiety enough to make me react strangely, when compared with others?

27 Oct 2010

 Having a lot of negative, critical thought right now, trying to come up with an update... grrr...

Here's hoping that WE have a wonderful evening, not too surprising but not too dull.

Here's also hoping that attempting to turn towards the positive could redirect my brain...

27 Oct 2010

 must have been touched by a ghoul - feeling a paralysis set in...

27 Oct 2012

 Let's take a look at sharing:

Why is that those who have limited resources, and yet still share with others even those resources, are admired more than those who share who are better off?

What do you find hardest to share, and what sort of values have you attached to it?

Sooo... this post spins off from an earlier picture share, commented on by Cody Green.

26 Oct 2010

 is thinking a late night panini at Strange Brew is in the works. Oh, and probably my stand-by of the Hibiscus Tea (to avoid caffeination..)

26 Oct 2018

 So, I’ve volunteered for various film fests over the years, working my way up to theatre manager responsibilities. With the amount of paperwork to shuffle around, communication lines to maintain, and egos one has to massage - leaving practically no time to enjoy the fest - it feels like managing the theatres is a role that I’m well suited for. I’d rather step down to be an ordinary crew member.

Heck, I’d rather have the money to buy a badge without the volunteer hustle...

I say that, but there is still some glimmer of joy when the films get seated and start on time.

Why write all this, here? Just to give words and form to the thoughts in my head, without getting into nitty gritty examples to support it...

26 Oct 2019

 Imagine: one’s phone app icons begin to wiggle; before moving down the screen, like Galahad formations

26 Oct 2020

 Family

Friends

Love

Your calling

Your health

from "The 5 Most Important 'Things' in Your Life"

internet article by Matt Valentine, 3 April 2018

--------------------------------

Love is an interesting umbrella; for it encompasses both our relationships and our preferred activities. Perhaps Family and Friends begin to blend together, too... many talk about marrying their best friend. Of course, there are the distinctions between family of origin, and family by marriage - the former often instills many of our core beliefs and quirks, while the latter can help us move more safely into our calling. As we follow our calling, as we pursue the interests that give us a joy, we create a community about us, and we have motivation to carry on one more day... friendships spring up, usually through work, education, and organizations which we partake in.

Yet, our health is intertwined through it all. If we are in poor health, we are easily distracted by our internal pains, blocking us from being part of the other 4 'things'. If we stay in good health, it sometimes can strengthen our calling, our relationships, and our appreciations/love. If you can love yourself enough to keep good health, then you can more easily learn how to love others and "do no harm"

....this is me, spinning a monologue on the idea of the 5 things above. Yet, there are competing world views out there. I am also reminded of the Japanese concept of Ikigai - here relationships are not as stressed. (although what the world needs certainly points to the world) - it's not as community-based as the above 5 'things' ... and possibly talks more to a sort of self-actualization.

I digress... "What is it life that gives you hope, meaning, and a reason for being? What can we invest our time and energy into, in order to create a better world for ourselves and for everyone else?"

26 Oct 2020

 Currently plagued by this automatic thought refrain:

"The pain is too much. I'm killing myself, tonight."

Why, brain? ...why?

Why do you have to go there?

...and what the fuck is the awful pain that's not showing itself?

That I can't easily fall asleep?

That I'm still behind on my work?

That my life seems void of romance?

...or is it just rough allergies making it tough to breathe easy?

( there are probably a lot more past events linking into those questions )

I can try meditation - just sit in that half-awake trance, hoping to let go of the refrain. I'm currently trying to write it out, because I'm not comfortable with calling friends at this hour. (It it degenerates, a call to the hotline is certainly possible now - trained volunteers, you know?)

Hoping this writing can help me let go of this refrain.

Pretty sure the Facebook bots are going to wake up on this post - "searching for certain phrases"

24 Oct 2011

 So, I guess if I want to follow everyone else's lead, then this is where I post a photo/link/video that caught my eye... but I'm not a big fan of the long internet searches to find that stuff. Could be neat to go out and create some of it , though...

So, might be playing with my phone in my travels today. }:)

23 Oct 2009

 thinks he's off to treat himself to a movie tonight: 9:45 showing of Paranormal Activity at Westgate... (see if it lives up to the raves in the commercials)

23 Oct 2013

 OK... Sooo...

10 pm Sunday to 5 am Tuesday:

- stayed in bed, possibly procrastinating

Made some phone calls today, though, and haven't missed work yet.

Also, hoping I've updated my computer, so that I can do some work on it, looking for better work.

23 Oct 2013

 Hmmf.

Headlight just went out on our bus, and we've had to evacuate. Guess I'm on a layover at S Congress and Stassney...

#15minuteHiccup

23 Oct 2017

 Probably a mid-range level of physical discomfort today.

Weird muscle aches in my legs, dizziness, difficulty balancing, difficulty focusing my eyes, some headache, strange feelings of bile at the top of my throat...

23 Oct 2019

 I find myself in one of “my weird head spaces” tonight...

probably an easy escape route would be through interacting with anyone besides myself; but I have a hard time imagining who I could connect with, and perhaps even how to connect with them....

Without coming across as a little bit selfish or inconsiderate? (I mean, it will be 10:30 before I get home... responsible me tells me I should just go to sleep...)

Still, there’s this nagging feeling that something is wrong in my reality. Or perhaps my reality is not meeting the demands of my imagination.

Or perhaps there’s one or more “diseases” - literally “not at eases” - that are not getting treated in healthy manners... or not even being recognized...

I don’t know. It’s a weird space. I don’t like having to live through it...

23 Oct 2020

 I just wish that more people would make the effort to talk with each other... Actually, I wish more people would make the effort to talk with me, if we're being perfectly honest.

'Then, there's the self-doubt that starts creeping in, that makes me think that I don't talk "normal enough" for people to feel comfortable about talking with me. That could spin out into what everyones' expectations are of what "normal enough" entails.

On a different front, I feel that, with the absence of communication(s), I end up drifting aimlessly through the void; and unsure of how to create the conversations that I crave. With that aimless drift comes also the lack of purpose, the feeling devalued - further self-pity that can quickly take me to those points of hurting or killing myself.... because, "what's the point, anyway, if I have so few connections with the world?"

Thankfully, there are still some connections with the world, and they often are the lifeline that keep me wanting to keep on living.

I still have that uneasy feeling that the neighborhood (and even the nuclear family) concept has been eroding away, for years. You might claim that social media makes us all the more connected. I would retort that it's just amplifying the puppy dog effect: we're following the most outrageous personalities, yet at the expense of ignoring many of the more ordinary personalities who we see in our daily lives.

Is this my scream for attention? Perhaps....

Do I have a poor measure of what attention(s) I need? Perhaps...

...so i write to social media, in the (possibly flawed) belief that it will get a message out quickly, to many of my friends...

so, do I have to have someone else agree with me? Not really... but it would be nice to have some other perspectives on different topics - which is probably the main reason why I wish more people would talk with me. A variety of perspectives can help create much more balanced walks through life, right?

22 Oct 2010

 Signs of 'fear paralysis': staying long periods in bed, playing games on the computer, going to a lot of meetings (to hide out).. you know, falling back on activities that are comfortable rather than facing the unknown. I suppose one could also call this procrastination.

22 Oct 2012

 It's hard for me to think of a status update that's personal and positive...

Probably because I don't feel like I've accomplished much this weekend - just a lot of procrastination via Facebook and meetings.

22 Oct 2018

 It's actually hard for me to wrap my awareness around the idea that, in public, I'm talking to the crowd.

a) the person directly spoken to - they are trying to save face, and so, are less likely to change their mind in order to avoid appearing weak.. a hypothesis, mind you... but I do think people are less pliable in public

b) creating a demonstration for the crowd, using "the argument"...? Hard to say, if everyone plays these group dynamics. I've heard of friends saying, after the fact, that they were using me as an example, to try to reach worse extremes of that example. However, some merit can be given to "presenting an alternate (in place of the person you're arguing with) that people can consider as onlookers, without being in the spotlight

Basically, there are leaders and there are followers, in group dynamics. The leaders are less likely to change their views, out of fear of losing the power they've gained by supporting those views.

Just my two cents...

21 Oct 2019

 I think I get to sleep in today.. yay!

21 Oct 2012

 Still feeling a little twisted up this morning...

21 Oct 2014

 I have decided to ease up on my anti-like campaign, to see if Facebook will begin to give me more of what I like...

21 Oct 2014

 A good friend bought me breakfast this morning at Dan's Hamburgers: two cups of iced tea and three sizeable breakfast tacos. There were several cups of coffee spread throughout the day. Then, I had four chocolate chip cookies and four Oreos about two hours ago.

I still have a cupboard full of dry goods. I think I'm hoarding them, though, although it's so much harder to cook when you're starving.

It makes no sense. I can cook the food I have, and it can curb the hunger some. Yet, something in me keeps talking me out of cooking. Why can I not appreciate and enjoy the food I have?

21 Oct 2017

 once again... anxiety wants to get in, and have me play with toadstools and cobwebs. as a harsh critic (virgo, if you want to go there), i say, "missing car, missing girlfriend, missing money, abscence of friends, bills piling up..." and on, and on, and on...

trying to measure myself against some imagined yardstick of society, spoon-fed to me by mass media?

so. poitive spins, instead?

i'm tutoring math again, at ACC, for 19 hours per week, and working as a cashier at Randall's (for whatever hours they'll trickle down to me)... two job areas I've always enjoyed, partly for the light social contact. (yes, I could pursue a career in teaching [and I want to put a but here...])

["Hi, Anxiety!" ...worries about attendance issues, at both jobs, with a look back at so many jobs lost due to the same...]

I quite enjoy the time off, spent playing board games and RPG's. It's relatively inexpensive, money-wise; but... time... once again, appeals to my math puzzle brain.

I've been volunteering at film fests - quick way of seeing some independent films. but... time...

trying to re=center on positive spin... keep getting pulled to, "can this be better?"

is it avarice or greed or what? That gnawing, devouring yearning for more? That desire to stay busy, busy, busy; without worrying about expense?

I think it can be abated, once one gets creating. Not just dystopian memes or poems, but real, honest beauty, shaped by one's one hands and mind. I wonder if the comic panels still sit at New Guild, or the journals at French House. I wonder if my "house bible" is still about...

alas, when the markers are set down, the desires creep back in...

perhaps... meditation? To look upon the world, with unclouded eyes... to see that nothing is attempting harm (well... Trump...)

Every time that I think I'm safe and secure (because I feel alive with only low-level pains), I get surprised at how delicate the balance really is: pennies in the bank account, leg pain upon awakening, nobody calling...

I think we're all scratching at the edges of our personal pits, sinking ever deeper into the abyss.

Perhaps I could help some one. Perhaps it could be as crazy as talking to a stranger at a bus stop. Or maybe I help by tutoring, by volunteering, by creating.

I don't know. I want to believe that pain shared is pain lessened (and joy shared is abundance increased?) but... there's that word again.

21 Oct 2019

 I will attempt “Facebook silence”, starting 1 November:

- no posts, shares, or comments from me

- moving my memories into a blog, when they are original works

- responding only to tags, messenger messages, or direct event invites

Not sure how useful it will be, or how long it will last. Just want to loosen the hold this app has on my life...

20 Oct 2009

 Ya know. I think of comments all the time, but the principle of right speech tells me, "it would be a bad idea to post THOSE"

20 Oct 2010

 generating possible updates, then rejecting them b/c I feel they're whiny.

I am now going to go to sleep, trying to think positive thoughts about others on the way to dream land, and I hope to see you all in 6ish hours.. ('busy' day today)

20 Oct 2010

 soooo sleeeeepy.. I might have a touch of ADD, 'cause I've had tons of caffeine today. (fancy that, me talking about sleep and caffeine again - one of these days, I'll knock the needle out of the scratch)

20 Oct 2014

 Sooo... No job, No money...

I May be facing these next three "level downs" soon: no food, no housing, no meds...

But! "I'm still sober!"

(...why...?!)