16 Oct 2020

 1:23 a.m.

time increasing?

that haiku, that tried to describe the late-night game - calling out repetitive time: 1:11, 11:11, even 12:12

and palindromic time - first two, but now with 12:21

am I morbid because of my anniversary, 22 years later? I remember waking to my mother's voice, and then hearing, on the hospital TV, how John Glenn was back in space. Oh, and what about the Simpsons, and the reruns of halloween specials?

morbid self-reflection. regrets.

If I wallow too much in self-pity, I become ugly and repulsive. It's hard for me to love others when they are lost in their own problems. My soul wants to help so - yet some times, no avenues appear. Man or woman, adult or child, rich or poor - helping another helps me see some piece of my worth....

When, if I'm simply ignored, I begin to deflate... to question who I am and what I can do... I can hear Donnie saying, "don't let other peoples' opinions affect you!"

It's been hard for me to breathe well, through my nose, as I try to sleep at night. I put off checking for sleep apnea. ...and I have a prescription of sleeping pills that I try not to get too used to...

On the nights when I have no worries about others - sleep does happen. Yet on the nights when the worry is high? The fear can take cover, can keep me up all night, can make me make bad calls...

I imagine that caffeine is not helping this situation, beyond reducing caffeine withdrawal symptoms.

I offer a public apology to any and all who might have been hurt by my distance communication behaviors. I image they grow worse, if allowed to run amuck - making calls in the early morning, talking for long stretches... I quite enjoy nice, long conversations; but they can create such disruptions across the rest of our lives (if only just by displacing work times) ...even Facebook posts! Those can create their own style of chaos! (like, who's the intedended audience, if any?)

1:41 approaches... repetitive, palindromic?