From the outside, my day was fairly typical, like many days over the last 5 years (or longer)...
Yet, I sit here, exhausted, feeling like I was decimated by gnats. I’m left with a lot of anxiety, a lot of silence, several “half-finished fences”, and physical health concerns.
My lingering unshared share is about how people constantly try to wrap life events up in a story. We have a hard time breaking out of model-building and moral points, and we try to deduce future outcomes from past events. There is some truth in that, for our ability to reason has led to so many world-changing inventions and predictions.
Yet... I take issue with AA’s assuming Steps 4 thru 9 will cure the causes that lead to our drinking. As others stated, those steps are designed to “build a new relationship with our ‘God’” or to clear away the wreckage preventing us from appreciating the present moment... they help minimize our tendency to be restless, irritable, and discontent. (As the big book points out earlier, alcoholism affects everyone, so if it had an external cause, then that would have to fit all situations.)
But I did not get to share, and that was one gnat. I did not receive an “offered lunch”, because the giver was joking - another gnat.
I went to work; and I had to resubmit past documents - which a student was all too keen to remind me that the time was taking away from student’s access to my tutoring...
After a few more plan upsets, I’m just feeling like I’m in a world of denial. I want to give up. I want to die, only to be free of my aches and pains.
I want to die, because I see no point in continuing on, especially the road to nowhere.
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