30 Oct 2020

 Do I try haiku..?

No, no... I just write my thoughts,

Twisted up, in rage...?

as i consider my past repressions, not wanting to offend with a bad flirt... scared to make any notions that I might be attracted...

piling that up, year after year,....

and as i consider how i take myself out of dating - mostly claiming that I can't afford to meet their financial expectations

and... in being silent, I think I'm simply overlooked, written off as "not interested" ...or maybe "he's not worth the chase"..?

I try to build a huge pyramid of claiming blame, that no one would want to date me - even though I've had several short relationships ... they usually implode, though, when the financial vector disappears?

It leaves me feeling a bit bitter, these days... thinking I'm simply not "some desirable male" or even "some unicorn" - whatever combination that's supposed to be. Over the years, the lack of responses through online dating - that's what gets me thinking that I'm using atypical conversation and just getting written off as "Undateable".

(It feels like I refuse to follow a Hollywood script, because I project how terribly harmful they can be - like there might not be a #metoo movement, if there wasn't some current in society that encourages questionable behaviors?)

Yesterday, I wrote two pages out, for a friend trying to consider gender roles and sexuality and more - but it's still a rough draft; and not a well-researched academic piece....

so, anyway, a lot of threads feeding in, telling me how, if I try to be on good behavior, I basically feel like I'm overlooked, and, by default, I have no dates. (How flimsy is that argument, and what factors are not being considered - like the fear of rejection and the unwillingness to invite others out?)

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in any case, it keeps eroding away at that societal expectation of having a wife and a family develop around me...

I look at the absence of retirement monies, and I see another societal expectation of a secure retirement moving beyond my reach...

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So, the haiku today, three hours ago, began:

"I give up hope ... dreams ..."

As I begin chewing on this resentment that whatever future I've hoped for in the past seems less and less within my reach - and that I might take a tough look at what paths I wish to follow. Perhaps, to ask myself, if I'm striving for high ambition and glory when I am doing perfectly well with more mundane roles.

Being a math tutor is not bad. I still get to pass some wisdom down, and usually to younger generations.

Being a board game player allows for some light social interactions and some interesting mental challenges in the actual game play.

Striving for better diet and exercise could help promote my future health - and I think that exercise through martial arts, dance, yoga, hiking, and more ... they all have nice side benefits, right?

Do I need to have wealth and property when I die? No, because I have no use for it, after death. Now, if I had a family, it could be a good way to support them, after my death... However, there's that sticky point again: "If I had a family"

One of those old teenage mottoes that I used was "Experience everything... in moderation." Yet, I do not need to experience EVERYTHING first-hand. I do not need to travel the world, as there's plenty of media documentation of what's out there. I also hold that our local neighborhoods have a wealth of experiences and people in them, already - if we'd only open our eyes to looking for them. I certainly do not need to try all the vices in the world, as some of them can be rather deadly, if I'm not careful.

A lot can be said for building a humble life. Yet it's so easy to get distracted by "going for the gold" or "keeping up with the Joneses"

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Still, fear perches within my skull - telling me that a humble life may become a hard life. It casts up so many visions of pain suffereing, that I would rather avoid, if I could. ...and so, the suicidal ideations come hopping back into my consciousness - on a rather annoyingly regular basis - trying to convice me that suicide is a fair way of avoiding all of that pain. "After all, you're overlooked... undateable... Nobody in this world wants your variety of life," that black widow whispers in my inner ear. It's like trying to convince me that the ultimate sacrifice (like Christ on the Cross) will be better for everyone in the end... "Ah, there's that Messiah Complex, see?"

My brain has f***ed up thought clouds hiding inside of it. I know this, I hate it... and yet, how did they get there? Was reading "The Bell Jar" enough to plant the seed? Is it really just strange genes passed down, through my family's generations?

I am extremely thankful that I do not wish to cause others harm. It makes me a bit less argumentative, a bit more submissive. It probably helps chase away the ideations. Yet... maybe that's another "bad dating trait" in "popular society": "We need men who are confidant, aggressive, and won't take no for an answer!" I personally think that's one of the seeds of toxic masculinity.... or of the American reality of "constantly fighting for most of the last 250 years"...

maybe the haiku should be:

Nothing that I want,

No goals to chase, except peace -

Peace among us all.

Do I believe that 100%, though? No... because I still resent where I'm at, today, when I think about it too much.

I still believe that I can offer plenty to the world, even though I own little. I'm just uncertain that many people in the world want what I offer. So, who could I share my life with, then?

Who thinks that I offer something that they want?